While trust is something that lies at the foundation of every relationship, it’s something with which I struggle. One reason that comes to mind is not always having a clear understanding of the nature of trust. I balk at times when someone I hardly know says: “trust me’. This may have happened to you too.

What does it really mean to trust someone?

I think about trust as a choice: I am choosing to be vulnerable and open as I relate to someone else because that person is full of integrity and has proven to be consistently honest, dependable and reliable. As such, I trust in God on one level, and my husband on another.

My views about trust also point to several key elements:

• Trust is not about putting blind faith in someone or having a good ‘gut feeling’ about them. Trust is merit-based and should be earned.
• Trust is different from love and forgiveness which are freely given. I don’t have to trust someone in order to love or forgive them, but love and forgiveness are vital in order to grow and build trust, especially if trust was broken.
• Trust calls for a belief that someone has your best interests at heart; that the person to be trusted is able and willing to do what s/he says. It’s hard to trust a good-for-nothing or to depend on someone who beats around the bush.

Recently, while surfing the Internet, I came across Robert Whipple’s article titled “3 Tricky Questions About Trust”[1] in which he invites everyone to answer the three questions he posed.  In this blog, I would like to consider and answer those three tantalizing questions for myself. I encourage you to do the same even as you contemplate my responses.

Here are the three questions along with my answers.

1. What is the relationship between trust and vulnerability?

Trust involves vulnerability, defenselessness or exposure. When I trust another person, I am literally exposing myself to not only hurt and disappointment but also to joy, kindness, and most of all, reciprocal trust. This is a risk we must be willing to take in order to trust.

As a follower of Christ, I am called to “trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding” (Proverbs 3: 5, NIV). This is a call to submit myself to God’s leading, to experience not only the joy that comes with obedience but to also be patient and wait on Him (his timing) to meet all my needs. This can be very challenging for fallible human beings dealing with an infallible God who knows us better than we know ourselves. To make ourselves vulnerable, susceptible and defenseless, demonstrating total confidence in Him is not natural but this what we are called to do.

What about person to person relationships with other fallible human beings? I believe vulnerability is also critical to healthy person to person relationships but I struggle with whether it is mandatory like it is for our relationship with God. You see, NOT trusting someone does not mean anything ‘bad’ and is certainly not a judgment against the other person. Not trusting someone that you don’t know well enough to decide whether to trust or not, is healthy. When I am expected or required to trust someone blindly, I consider that a red flag about the person who has this expectation of me. In fact, that person may be trying to act like God, and there is only one God.

In marriages and other close relationships, however, NOT trusting isn’t an option. We must be willing to take some risk that we will be safe and secure with our partner. We must be willing to trust if the relationship is to grow and develop over time.  It takes courage and commitment to make a sacred, lifelong, marital commitment – to put your heart on the line (or money on the line if it’s a business relationship). Without this, we won’t be able to strengthen and grow our marriages.

2. Can you trust someone you fear?

While the word ‘trust’ inspires confidence, dependence and reliance, the word ‘fear’ engenders terror, dread, and horror. Trust and fear, therefore, seem like opposites.  That being said, my answer to the question above is ‘yes’ and ‘no’. I have been in situations where I trusted someone that I was afraid of and others when I did not trust the person I feared.

For instance, I’ve had bosses at work that I feared because of their positional power, and at times, I was afraid of my own mother because of what she could do to me when I disobeyed.  Nonetheless, I trusted them to do what was best for me –to give an honest recommendation or the proper training in the case of my bosses, and to feed, clothe and protect me in the case of my mother.

On the other hand, I’ve been in situations where a person in authority lied about and mischaracterized my actions; spoke disparagingly about me, and blamed me for things that went wrong. I couldn’t and didn’t trust at those times.  I feared the person’s destructive tactics and never sought to get close to them.

I think many are also programmed into believing they have to trust immediately. It starts when a little child meets a new relative and, as the crying child latches on to the parent’s side, s/he insists that the child allow the stranger to kiss and hug them. I don’t believe this is healthy. No one should be forced to hug and kiss strangers because someone else says so. For me, I’ve learned to trust when I feel that a person is ‘trustworthy’ not because they have a degree or title or are in a position of power.

My relationship with God, however, is a different matter. The Bible tells us that “there is no fear in love. But perfect loves drives out fear…” (1 John 4:8, NIV). Fear and trust cannot exist in our relationship with God for one will dispel the other. God does not want us to be fearful of Him. He wants us to trust Him.

The key to overcoming fear is total and complete trust in God. Trusting God is how Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego faced the fiery furnace without fear (Daniel Chapter 3). Trusting God is how Stephen stood fearlessly before his persecutors (Acts Chapter 7). To trust God is to refuse to give in to fear; to know that He will make things right even in the dark times. This trust comes from knowing God and knowing that He is good. Once we have learned to trust God, we will no longer be afraid of the things that come against us.

3. Can you respect someone you don’t trust; and can you trust someone you don’t respect?

The word respect means to show admiration for someone, or to look up to someone. Sometimes, respect is the basis for trusting so0meone and sometimes, it isn’t. For instance, I may respect and trust my favourite Math teacher because s/he taught me throughout High School. S/he was knowledgeable and helped me to achieve my educational goals.

I may also respect people for their moral standards or achievements.  I respect Queen Elizabeth for her morality and Barack Obama for his achievements but I’ve never met them and have no basis on which to trust them.

It’s also possible to respect people based on their reputation but personally not be able to trust them, at least not yet. Once my Church got a new and respected Pastor. I did not trust him immediately. I wanted to wait and see if my respect for him will lead to trust over time based on his actions over time.

I find, however,  that if I lose respect for someone due to personal disappointment or due to some moral failing, then my trust in them is also eroded. I remember how disappointed I was to hear that one of my favourite Pastors had misappropriated funds from the Church treasury.  I lost respect for him and with it some trust. I had the same feeling towards my friend’s husband when I learned he was charged for domestic abuse. For me, trust and respect go hand and respect is a foundation for trust.

In the end, the biggest question for me is: do I trust and respect myself? I believe the highest form of trust is self-trust. Self-respect is about knowing your worth and having the ability to adjust your life and remove people from it if they are treating you poorly.  I must be willing to trust myself to make the right decisions and to respect myself, even if no one else chooses to do so. I must trust myself to know when to trust or not trust and I’ve learned not to write off my needs, my feelings and even my premonitions.

[1] https://leadergrow.com/articles/198-3-tricky-questions-about-trust