Submission in marriage has been an age-old concept, deeply rooted in the counsel the Apostle Paul gave to couples in Ephesians Chapter 5, verses 22 to 24.

The New International Version renders the passage this way:

Ephesians 5:22–24 — The New International Version (NIV) 22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

According to Paul, the wife is supposed to submit to her own husband, which in many cases is a life of oppression and subjugation for many women. With so many patriarchal cultures and societies, many husbands latch on to the submission requirement to ensure male dominance in marriage; control of women, and at times, wanting total obedience as a necessity in matters of sex and romance.

Women, on the other hand, appear to be in two camps. One group points to submission as a means of following the spiritual lead of their husbands, deferring to his opinions and views about financial matters, discipline of their children, and general decision-making within the marriage.

A second group, rebuffs the submission rhetoric. They do not buy into wifely submission solely, claiming that submission should be mutual: husband to wife and wife to husband, depending on the matter at hand. I identify more with the second group, with full recognition that husbands and wives have different and often contrasting perspectives on Biblical submission.

As such, I think we should uncover a workable definition for Biblical submission in marriage. What did Paul mean when he gave His counsel? Whose duty is it to submit: wives only? Both wives and husbands? What does submission look like in 21^st century Christian marriages?

Let’s take a look at these questions in turn.

What is submission?

As a Christian woman who will complete three and a half decades of marriage later in July, I would define submission in a marriage as selfless, non-competitive service, combined with mutual accountability, and respect for one’s spouse. This is a type of Holy Spirit-led submission, and does not in anyway mean that a wife loses her voice in the marriage, becomes a ‘slave’ whose duty is to wait hand and foot on her husband, or who totally give up her will to her husband as a superior, obeying his every word. If this is your experience, what you have does not qualify as a loving marriage but an authoritarian parent-child relationship. Yikes!

What did Paul mean when he gave His counsel? Whose duty is it to submit?

Looking closely at the passage above, we notice that Paul compares the wife’s submission to her husband to her submission to Christ, for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. How do we submit to Christ: from a place of force and dominance or from a place of choice? Clearly, the latter. Christ does not trade in the business of force, only willingness, and free will. This tells me that any authoritarian view of submission is neither biblical nor Christlike.

Why? Because Jesus willingly submitted Himself to a cruel death for us at an infinite cost to himself and out of intense love for us. He also gifts us with a down payment of His Holy Spirit who dwells within us. Motivated by God’s love and empowered by the Holy Spirit, we are able to submit to and serve each other. So, husbands who love their wives the way Christ loved the Church, that is more than their own life are more likely to experience submission from their wives.

Every marriage, especially a Christian marriage, should be built on love, and lots of it. In 1 Corinthians 13, Paul tells us that “love is patient, kind and does not envy, nor boast. and is not proud, rude or self-seeking.” In the context of a loving relationship, it would not be very difficult to submit using our working definition above.

One crucial principle of Bible study we should remember is taking one Bible verse and creating doctrine and practice out of it. I believe in “here a little, there a little” as I study God’s word. If we use this approach, we would see that Paul not only counsels the Ephesian wives to submit to their own husbands because he is the head of the wife, but he also requires believers to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21), and he counsels husbands to love their wives as their own bodies. Wow!

This suggests some type of flexibility on the part of loving husbands and wives as they interact with each other in their marriage, and indicates that “submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ” must also be accompanied with “selfless love, allowing for choice, and respect.

If we go back to Genesis, we would see that God intended that there should be equality in marriage as He gave both Adam and Eve equal responsibility to dress the garden of Eden and keep it, and to multiply and replenish the earth.” Both husband and wife were made in the image of God, and any actions that would mar God’s image in one’s spouse is a poor reflection of God’s character, and has no place in our homes.

Moreover, if submission were actually about a woman losing her volition in matters of sex and romance, Paul wouldn’t state in 1 Corinthians 7:4 that a wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and according to some Bible versions like the Message translation, we see that women have authority over their husband’s bodies in the same way that men have authority over their wife’s body which indicates a sense of mutuality or equalizing which was God’s original plan for married couples.

So, instead of insisting that the change in marital relationships that occurred after sin should hold, wouldn’t it be better if we all uphold the view that Jesus came to restore all things, including God’s original purpose for marriage, and ask God for His power to live this out in our homes? Taking Paul’ marital counsel in its entirety, it is clear that for Christian husbands and vives, Biblical submission in marriage is mutual and not sex-based.

What does submission look like today?

In the 21^st century, the misunderstanding about this Bible passage is palpable. Men continue to hold to the view that husbands are not required to submit, only wives because they are “the head of the wife”. However, the Son of Man came to serve not to be served, and we are all called to be Christ-like and to servant-leaders, to esteem others better than ourselves. The service Christ gave to humanity was given even when we least merited that sacrifice.” Husbands are called to love their wives in this manner.

So, I say, go forth and love on each other; reverence each other as unto Christ, and submission will naturally flow your way.  Remember, however, that submission is a mark of the Holy Spirit’s work in our lives as wives and husbands. Only Through the power of the Holy Spirit will we be able to put the needs of our spouses ahead of our own, imitate Christ’s service in our homes, and discover the joy God intended would accompany submission in marriage.