It’s a “Biggy”. This month, my husband and I are celebrating thirty years of marriage. While this is no small feat, and we aren’t surprised, we are thankful to be able to celebrate this milestone.

I was broken when we first met in the capital city Georgetown, a few months after a tough break-up of a long-standing, relationship. Having just started undergraduate studies at the University of Guyana (UG), I often travelled d home on weekends to be with family and to ease the sting of separation. The weekend we met, I had remained in Georgetown, to be able to sing with the Linden SASCA choir at a massive tent crusade.  The encounter was brief but humorous as we exchanged smiles as he made a wise quip following my use of the word “dogmatically” in a conversation with my sister.  You could say he was eavesdropping on our conversation. He would say he’d come closer to get a better look at me.

Fast forward six years later and we were about to get married. A wedding is a beautiful and breathtaking ceremony that brings people together from far and near. Among the colorful bridesmaids and the happy new couple, you will notice a pair of old smiles and sometimes, a few tears in the crowd.

Ours happened not quite as we planned: a double wedding with my younger sister, Leslyn. There we were – two happy sisters walking down the aisle to make a lifetime commitment to their betrotheds, announcing our self-crafted vows and making promises that we would try to uphold “till death do us part.” After that it was onto the reception where together with about 200 guests, we shared toasts, took pictures, and had a grand meal and cake.

In honour of our thirtieth year of marriage, I am driven to reflect on the lessons learned since that bright Sunday in July three decades ago.  Probably, you the reader might find a few tips to help keep your marriage going strong as you grow older together.

1. We remain grateful for our blessings

I am a blessed woman. Roderick is a gift from God to me. After three decades, we love each other more deeply.  We are blessed to have each other. We’re thankful for the many experiences that add up to a life of shared joy, sacrifice, pain, and purpose. When I bid my husband good bye in the morning, I realize it didn’t have to be this way. There is no law that says I had to be married to a handsome, Christ-like, kind and forgiving man—but I am! That’s pure grace, not at all deserved, and I’m grateful.

We are also blessed parents. To be parents of a godly child is an unspeakable blessing. As Christian parents, we had the privilege of following the pattern Moses gave to the Israelites: “that you may fear the Lord your God, you and your sons and your son’s son, by keeping all of his statutes and his commandments which I command you all the days of your life, and that your days may be long, Deuteronomy 6:2.” Seeing our daughter walking faithfully with God is a testimony to His kindness, mercy and faithfulness. The love of family is a gift. I deserve none of it but I’m grateful for all of it.

Here are some words of gratitude from my most recent birthday card from Roderick: “A man like me has a lot to be thankful for. And at the top of the list is you- a woman who knows me accepts me, and whose love has made so many things right. I’ll never know what I did to deserve a life this good. But I do know what’s at the very heart of it: You. Beautiful you. Happy Birthday.”

2. Our love is not enough to sustain our marriage

Over the past thirty years, we’ve developed a strong marriage bond with prayer being the single largest contributor. We started praying with and for each other during our courtship and this practice carried over into our marriage. Our daily family devotions and Friday evening vespers or what we called “welcoming the Sabbath” were the keys to spiritual growth individually, and as a couple. In fact one of the most romantic things for me is to hear my husband petition God for me – by name. By God’s grace, we’ve proven that “the family that prays together stays together.” Our love is not enough to sustain our marriage. It’s our shared faith in God that sustains our marriage.

3. We Can’t Fix Each Other … so we appreciate each other’s differences

My husband Roderick and I couldn’t be more different – personality-wise and temperament-wise. He’s ‘laid back’ and somewhat carefree. I am go-getter, driven and determined to get results. In large part, my husband has let me be myself choosing to celebrate my uniqueness rather than change me. Not so for me. I can’t tell you how much time I’ve spent in that fruitless pursuit of reshaping him in my image only to realize I must allow the Holy Spirit to transform him into God’s image.

In 30 years of marriage, Roderick still has some of the same foibles he had when I first met him. That three-note (um-um um) spontaneous ditty he emits every time he opens the vehicle still bugs me but no amount of complaining on my part has changed that. I bet, he can say the same about me with my “always” and “never”. Thanks to each other’s patience, we are both better people than we were before—but not because we tried to “fix” one another. Our differences are unique attributes given by God. The Bible says we are made in God’s image (Genesis 1:26) and we are God’s workmanship (Ephesians 2:10)…designed to fulfill His special purpose which He chose for us.

4. Sex isn’t important; it’s vital

Sex is a beautiful gift that a good God gave to married folk. I think of it as the adhesive that literally pastes man and woman together in “one-flesh”.  Sex, though highly over-rated by many, is a necessary ingredient in any healthy marriage.  Too many couples get into a withholding pattern, ignoring it for weeks or even months at a time, sometimes for good reasons and sometimes for stupid ones. This will lead to a self-made disaster.  My husband likes to tease now, “Are you still limber?” ”Do you still have it like 15 years ago?” While I was busy wearing many different hats – from wife to mom to homemaker to educator – I’m glad that I always found time for sexual intimacy. After a good time, we still like to hold each other as we fall asleep, which is something we did at years ten and 20. Sex is healthy for your marriage. Just do it … with regularity, enthusiasm, and mutuality!

5. Love can make you happy but happiness can’t be the goal

After 30 years of marriage, Roderick and I have experienced a wide range of emotions. We have learned that marriage, and life, are not a series of happy moments. There are many unhappy moments. So, it’s much easier now to recognize and enjoy the happy moments. Happiness, however, cannot be the goal of marriage or life. If it is, you will live much of your life thinking you’ve failed. God does not promise continual happiness. God counsels us to love each other. He promises to be with us to the very end of the age. That means he will never abandon us. He tells us that faith, hope and love will abide, with love being the greatest of the three (I Cor. 13). Understanding that is key to being able to tolerate sadness, hope for joyful moments, and recognize true happiness. So, focus on God and others, then improving your flaws, and you might land on something that resembles joy.

6. There will be hard knocks but walking and working together, we’ve made it

Surprise! Marriage life is hard. I learned this first-hand. Talk about disagreements and arguments; navigating unpleasant and unlovable “in-laws”. Talk about disappointments; health scares; and financial loss. I’ve had my fair share over these past thirty years. How do you rebound and come out better on the other side?

Marriage counselors and pastors and the Bible basically say you shouldn’t “let the sun go down on your anger.” While this is good counsel, what about those exhausting late night arguments when all you do is roll over and will yourself to sleep while he exits the bedroom for the basement couch?  Plus, some issues require time for clarity and resolution. They just can’t be solved overnight. We have always sought to resolve most of our conflicts, except some issues we agree to disagree on. “Happily ever after” isn’t just a fairytale; we are among those couples to prove that marriage can withstand any hurricane with the right mindset and the right character. Someone once said, “Marriage is the school from which you never graduate.” I agree. I’m now transitioning into my senior high school year and I can’t wait to enter university.

Happy Pearl Wedding Anniversary to us.