According to Eric Roth, “Our lives are defined by opportunities, even the ones we miss.”[1] However, like many products in the supermarket, every opportunity has an expiry date. This means they are temporary or short-lived.

Like most of us, I know the pain of missed opportunities – the ones we will not get a chance at again. In 2003 when I settled permanently in Canada with my family, simultaneously I secured a placement at Dalhousie University to complete some research as part of my Sabbatical leave from the University of Guyana.

Upon completion of my Sabbatical, I had an opportunity to do a PhD in economics but could not take it up because of family circumstances. I completed the first year but my husband, a new immigrant, was having difficulty finding sustainable employment. Our ‘savings burn-rate’ was high and getting higher every day.

Wanting to stop the bleeding, I decided to find employment to help support our family. Though I was comfortable with my decision, I was overwhelmed with sadness and grief at the lost opportunity.  My ‘PhD’ ship had sailed leaving waves of regret for many years.

Going to my Bible, I found a story that is relatable which helped me cope somewhat. God had given the children of Israel the opportunity to go into the land of Canaan but they had to trust Him. They chose not to do this and trusted instead ten men, ten spies who told them it was impossible to possess the land. As a result, they lost the opportunity to march right into the Promised Land, and wandered in the desert for 40 years before they received another opportunity from God.

What can we learn from these types of experiences? From the shame and embarrassment? From the damage to our self-image and self-respect that makes it harder to find the courage to seize the next opportunity? From a lack of trust and dependence on God?  Looking back, I have discovered three lessons that I know for sure help ease the pain of disappointment surrounding missed opportunities. If you learn them, you too can let go of ships that have sailed.

1. Acceptance

The first step is acceptance. You need to accept that you missed your chance to do something that you may have loved; or to deepen a relationship with a special someone, and now the person has either moved or passed away. Let me be clear: This is not about blaming and dragging yourself down but about taking responsibility for the choices you have made, even if that choice results in sadness or regret.

I hasten to add that this is not as easy as it sounds and may take some time, even years to get to the place of acceptance. This was true for me but be brutally honest with yourself and do not make excuses or pretend you are better off without the opportunity or relationship. Honesty is the best policy even under difficult circumstances.

2. Own your experience and learn from it

I learned that there is nothing wrong with being upset over a missed opportunity. Each experience holds valuable insights and lessons. When you experience stress associated with a regret, or feel anxious over a missed opportunity, you do not always think clearly or at times, rationally. You feel as if your whole world has come crashing down and all is lost.

It is important for you to get out of that headspace.  Ask yourself, ‘What else could this mean?’ or ‘What’s great about this?’ Chances are you will be in a better place to move forward. That said do not pass up the chance to better yourself in some other way. Take out your pen and paper, and pull out the lessons from the experience, then identify how you can use them in future situations to better yourself or your relationships.

While we often say, “Never say never”, I have settled in my mind that it is unlikely that I will ever pursue a PhD in economics in the future. Getting out of that headspace has helped me explore what else lies out there for me to do and what is great about looking at other chances that have come my way. This has put me in a better place to move forward and to focus my attention on spotting the next opportunity, and not letting that one pass me by. To date, I have become an author and I am working toward certification as an international facilitator.

I have also asked myself a series of questions: Was the ideal choice apparent at the time of the event or did it only become clear with the benefit of time? If the same situation occurs in the future, how would I do things differently? Say, I jumped on that opportunity, how might it have gone sideways? For instance, I often wonder whether my marriage and family would have survived such a rigorous course of study; whether I would have exceled as I wanted to at that time; or whether I would be in debt until now.  These were distinct possibilities.

3. Focus on Renewal

Everyone makes mistakes, but learning how to discover lessons from these errors can be beneficial. You must be able to reassess or reframe the pain, and focus on what you learned and how you grew. Yes, you might have messed up, but it was a learning experience that can help you make better choices in the future.

Ask yourself ‘What steps can you take to prevent the same thing from happening again in the future? Self-forgiveness can be a good first step. It is as close as we come to a system reset button. Then quit the self-loathing and move forward. Do not your missed opportunity trouble you into the future. Twenty years have passed since my missed opportunity and the pain has dulled considerably. I refused to beat myself up continuously and looked for an opportunity to move forward with God’s help.

Time is a remarkable gift from God. In Ephesians 5:15-16, the Apostle Paul cautions us all: “Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity…” (NIV). As God loves you so much, He does not want you to look back on your life with feelings of guilt and painful regrets. He is willing to give you another chance. So, look for the opportunity God is giving you today, and make the most of it!

[1] Eric Roth, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button Screenplay