While trust is something that lies at the foundation of every relationship, it’s something with which I struggle. One reason that comes to mind is not always having a clear understanding of the nature of trust. I balk at times when someone I hardly know says: “trust me’. This may have happened to you too.
What does it really mean to trust someone?
I think about trust as a choice: I am choosing to be vulnerable and open as I relate to someone else because that person is full of integrity and has proven to be consistently honest, dependable and reliable. As such, I trust in God on one level, and my husband on another.
My views about trust also point to several key elements:
- Trust is not about putting blind faith in someone or having a good ‘gut feeling’ about them. Trust is merit-based and should be earned.
- Trust is different from love and forgiveness which are freely given. I don’t have to trust someone in order to love or forgive them, but love and forgiveness are vital in order to grow and build trust, especially if trust was broken.
- Trust calls for a belief that someone has your best interests at heart; that the person to be trusted is able and willing to do what s/he says. It’s hard to trust a good-for-nothing or to depend on someone who beats around the bush.
Recently, while surfing the Internet, I came across Robert Whipple’s article titled “3 Tricky Questions About Trust”[1] in which he invites everyone to answer the three questions he posed. In this blog, I would like to consider and answer those three tantalizing questions for myself. I encourage you to do the same even as you contemplate my responses.
Here are the three questions along with my answers.
- What is the relationship between trust and vulnerability?
Trust involves vulnerability, defenselessness or exposure. When I trust another person, I am literally exposing myself to not only hurt and disappointment but also to joy, kindness, and most of all, reciprocal trust. This is a risk we must be willing to take in order to trust.
As a follower of Christ, I am called to “trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding” (Proverbs 3: 5, NIV). This is a call to submit myself to God’s leading, to experience not only the joy that comes with obedience but to also be patient and wait on Him (his timing) to meet all my needs. This can be very challenging for fallible human beings dealing with an infallible God who knows us better than we know ourselves. To make ourselves vulnerable, susceptible and defenseless, demonstrating total confidence in Him is not natural but this what we are called to do.
What about person to person relationships with other fallible human beings? I believe vulnerability is also critical to healthy person to person relationships but I struggle with whether it is mandatory like it is for our relationship with God. You see, NOT trusting someone does not mean anything ‘bad’ and is certainly not a judgment against the other person. Not trusting someone that you don’t know well enough to decide whether to trust or not, is healthy. When I am expected or required to trust someone blindly, I consider that a red flag about the person who has this expectation of me. In fact, that person may be trying to act like God, and there is only one God.
In marriages and other close relationships, however, NOT trusting isn’t an option. We must be willing to take some risk that we will be safe and secure with our partner. We must be willing to trust if the relationship is to grow and develop over time. It takes courage and commitment to make a sacred, lifelong, marital commitment – to put your heart on the line (or money on the line if it’s a business relationship). Without this, we won’t be able to strengthen and grow our marriages.
- Can you trust someone you fear?
While the word ‘trust’ inspires confidence, dependence and reliance, the word ‘fear’ engenders terror, dread, and horror. Trust and fear, therefore, seem like opposites. That being said, my answer to the question above is ‘yes’ and ‘no’. I have been in situations where I trusted someone that I was afraid of and others when I did not trust the person I feared.
For instance, I’ve had bosses at work that I feared because of their positional power, and at times, I was afraid of my own mother because of what she could do to me when I disobeyed. Nonetheless, I trusted them to do what was best for me –to give an honest recommendation or the proper training in the case of my bosses, and to feed, clothe and protect me in the case of my mother.
On the other hand, I’ve been in situations where a person in authority lied about and mischaracterized my actions; spoke disparagingly about me, and blamed me for things that went wrong. I couldn’t and didn’t trust at those times. I feared the person’s destructive tactics and never sought to get close to them.
I think many are also programmed into believing they have to trust immediately. It starts when a little child meets a new relative and, as the crying child latches on to the parent’s side, s/he insists that the child allow the stranger to kiss and hug them. I don’t believe this is healthy. No one should be forced to hug and kiss strangers because someone else says so. For me, I’ve learned to trust when I feel that a person is ‘trustworthy’ not because they have a degree or title or are in a position of power.
My relationship with God, however, is a different matter. The Bible tells us that “there is no fear in love. But perfect loves drives out fear…” (1 John 4:8, NIV). Fear and trust cannot exist in our relationship with God for one will dispel the other. God does not want us to be fearful of Him. He wants us to trust Him.
The key to overcoming fear is total and complete trust in God. Trusting God is how Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego faced the fiery furnace without fear (Daniel Chapter 3). Trusting God is how Stephen stood fearlessly before his persecutors (Acts Chapter 7). To trust God is to refuse to give in to fear; to know that He will make things right even in the dark times. This trust comes from knowing God and knowing that He is good. Once we have learned to trust God, we will no longer be afraid of the things that come against us.
- Can you respect someone you don’t trust; and can you trust someone you don’t respect?
The word respect means to show admiration for someone, or to look up to someone. Sometimes, respect is the basis for trusting so0meone and sometimes, it isn’t. For instance, I may respect and trust my favourite Math teacher because s/he taught me throughout High School. S/he was knowledgeable and helped me to achieve my educational goals.
I may also respect people for their moral standards or achievements. I respect Queen Elizabeth for her morality and Barack Obama for his achievements but I’ve never met them and have no basis on which to trust them.
It’s also possible to respect people based on their reputation but personally not be able to trust them, at least not yet. Once my Church got a new and respected Pastor. I did not trust him immediately. I wanted to wait and see if my respect for him will lead to trust over time based on his actions over time.
I find, however, that if I lose respect for someone due to personal disappointment or due to some moral failing, then my trust in them is also eroded. I remember how disappointed I was to hear that one of my favourite Pastors had misappropriated funds from the Church treasury. I lost respect for him and with it some trust. I had the same feeling towards my friend’s husband when I learned he was charged for domestic abuse. For me, trust and respect go hand and respect is a foundation for trust.
In the end, the biggest question for me is: do I trust and respect myself? I believe the highest form of trust is self-trust. Self-respect is about knowing your worth and having the ability to adjust your life and remove people from it if they are treating you poorly. I must be willing to trust myself to make the right decisions and to respect myself, even if no one else chooses to do so. I must trust myself to know when to trust or not trust and I’ve learned not to write off my needs, my feelings and even my premonitions.
[1] https://leadergrow.com/articles/198-3-tricky-questions-about-trust
The need to build and strengthen marriages and families is more pressing than ever. With alarming divorce rates, parenting challenges and complex family dynamics, maintaining healthy relationships is difficult.
That’s why, the Halifax Seventh-day Adventist church is hosting this two-week series called Family Matters. It’s a type of family tune-up that’s meant to equip families with the right tools to face real-world issues; to grow closer to each other and to God.
Join me in Halifax, Nova Scotia from April 26 to May 11 for this exciting family life series. Checkout our Facebook page at halifaxadventist.org
Family Matters Poster
Thankfulness. Appreciation. Gratefulness. Everyone has, at times felt the need to give thanks for a person, thing, situation, or experience. Building gratitude or appreciation for the blessings or trials that happen in life is an essential part of building happiness. That’s because gratitude is both vertical – towards God (in a spiritual sense), or horizontal, towards mankind.
The Bible encourages us to cultivate a spirit of gratitude. The apostle Paul who wrote “Show yourselves thankful,” and “thanked God unceasingly” for the positive response of others toward the message he shared with them (Colossians 3:15; 1 Thessalonians 2:13). So, lasting happiness comes not from merely saying ‘thank you’ occasionally but from having a grateful disposition. That, in turn, protects us from feelings of entitlement, envy, and resentment, that could alienate people from us and rob us of joy in life.
While, it seems easier to express gratitude when we are receiving blessings, it becomes more challenging if we’re going through trials or tough times. However, there are many blessings to be gained from showing appreciation in our everyday lives.
The Bible gives us this excellent advice: ‘Whatever things are true, lovable, well-spoken-of, virtuous, and praiseworthy, continue thinking about these things.’ (Philippians 4:8, footnote). The words “continue thinking about” point yet again to our need to have a thoughtful disposition, which is a prerequisite for a grateful spirit.
David prayed “I meditate on all your activity; I eagerly ponder over the work of your hands” (Psalm 143:5). David was not a distracted, superficial person. His thankful spirit stemmed from his regular contemplation of God’s ways, a practice he cultivated all his life (Psalm 71:5, 17).
Jesus Christ said “Practice giving, and people will give to you. They will pour into your laps a fine measure, pressed down, shaken together, and overflowing” (Luke 6:38). Ralph Waldo Emerson echoes this when he says we should “cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.”
Don’t forget, our Creator himself showed appreciation—even to created beings. Hebrews 6:10 states: “God is not unrighteous so as to forget your work and the love you showed for his name.” Yes, our Creator considers it unrighteous, or unjust, to show a lack of gratitude.
A few years ago, I was leaving the office late. As I walked along the sidewalk next to my office building, I saw that a petite, elderly lady was struggling to walk against the force of the wind. She was about 4 feet tall and weighed about 90 pounds. Although I was in a hurry to get to my car, I stopped to ask her if she needed my help. When she graciously said “yes”, I took her arm and together we walked slowly past the tall, downtown building that had created a kind of wind tunnel that made it very difficult to walk. We continued walking for the next 400 meters or so before we bid each other goodbye. She was grateful. I was thankful.
Recently, I read a similar story about a New York taxi driver and an adventure he took with an old, frail woman. When he took the call, he knew it would be the last one for that shift. As he pulled up at the dimly lit house, he honked his horn. Getting no immediate response, he thought about racing away like the typical New York cab driver. Resisting that urge, he turned off the engine, entered the yard and went up the stairs to knock on the door.
A frail voice said” coming” and when the door slowly opened, he saw someone who looked like his grandmother. Patiently, he took her suitcase, then her arm and escorted her to the waiting car. Then she made a simple request; “Take me through the downtown one last time before my final stop, a convalescent home, where she would live out her final days.” That day, she got to revisit familiar places and he got an experience of a lifetime – great final moments with a complete stranger.
Everywhere, people are constantly on the move. We drive fast. We want food fast, and ‘fast’ food. We want ‘fast’ service and ‘fast’ resolutions to complex challenges. When we don’t get what we want fast, we become impatient. As we struggle with our own impatience, there is much we can learn by looking at the story of an impatient King in the book of 1 Samuel chapter 13.
A huge army of Philistines was going to fight against King Saul and his small band of soldiers. King Saul sent for Samuel, the priest, to come and make a sacrifice to God. Samuel sent word for King Saul to wait for about seven days. The Bible says, “Then he [Saul] waited seven days, according to the time set by Samuel; but Samuel did not come to Gilgal, and the people were scattered from him. So, Saul said, ‘Bring a burnt offering and peace offering here to me, and he offered the burnt offering” (1 Samuel 13:8-9, NKJV).
King Saul made the mistake of losing his patience. He felt he needed the Lord’s blessing and he wanted it right then. So, he disobeyed Samuel and offered an animal sacrifice to God himself rather than wait for the priest and prophet Samuel to do that. When Samuel came that very night, and he said to King Saul, “You have done foolishly. You have not kept the commandment of the Lord your God….” He also went on to say that God wanted to work a big miracle in King Saul’s behalf, but his disobedience had interfered with God’s plan. The consequences were dreadful: “But now your kingdom shall not continue,” the prophet told him. Later on, the impatient king did lose his kingdom to a young shepherd boy named David.
As Valentine’s Day approaches, I wonder what great moments we could have had with our friends and loved ones that we let slip away because we were not patient. How many times did we fly into a rage and say unloving words because we were not patient? Like King Saul, how many times have we spoiled God’s plans for our lives because we were not patient?
My mom died two years ago on Halloween. Since then, I’ve often wondered about how she faced death. Did she know it was near? Was she anxious about it? Or did she patiently wait for the day? Was she anxious to rest until the Lord returns?
Begs the question: “Do you sometimes get impatient for our Lord’s return?”
In the book of James, we read “… be patient, brethren, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, waiting patiently for it until it receives the early and latter rain. You also be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand” (James 5: 7-8, NKJV). God also describes His people, the redeemed, with these words, “Here is the patience of the saints: here are those who keep the commandments of God, and the faith of Jesus” (Revelation 14:12. NKJV). Let’s all trust in God’s promises. Let’s all have faith in His Word. Let’s all pray for the spiritual gift of patience.
Overview
The term “bucket list” has become very popular in today’s vernacular. It usually refers to a number of experiences or achievements that a person hopes to have or accomplish during their lifetime. As we approach Christmas 2018, permit me to limit its meaning to the experiences or achievements one can have during the Christmas holiday period.
When we reflect on the Christmas story, we usually focus on the main characters: Mary, Joseph, and, of course, baby Jesus. The account of the ‘virgin’ birth of Jesus Christ in Luke 2:8–20 tells us that an angel of the Lord appeared to the shepherds who were living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. The glory of the Lord shone around the shepherds and they were frightened. But the angel said to them “Do not be afraid I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people” (Verses 1,2, N.I.V).
The Good News
The angel said to them “Today in the town of David, a Saviour has been born to you; he is Christ, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger”. To validate the news, a great company of the heavenly host suddenly appeared with the angel praising God and saying “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favour rests” Verse 13, N.I.V.)
There are four things I have learned from the shepherd’s reaction to the good news they received from the angel of the Lord. Those four lessons are the four items I have decided to put on my “bucket list” this Christmas. I invite you to join me in putting them at the top of your Christmas to-do list too.
My Christmas 2018 “Bucket List”
Item One: Believe the angel’s message about our Saviour’s birth. It’s true and relevant in 2018. The angel, accompanied by a great company of the heavenly host announced in spectacular fashion that Jesus Christ, the Messiah and our Saviour had been born. The shepherds were convinced by the angel. They believed the message that God had become man, and as soon as the heavenly host left, the shepherds hurriedly started their trek to look for the baby. What are you waiting for? Let’s go too. Hurry.
Item Two: Obey the angel’s message about our Saviour’s birth.
The shepherds did exactly as they were told. They when the angel left them, they got up and went straight to Bethlehem to “see this thing that has happened which the Lord has told us about” (verse 15, N.I.V). While I am not in any way, shape or form asking you to travel to Bethlehem in Israel, I am asking you to go and seek for Christ in the manger… among the abused, distressed, displaced, and destitute in their mangers. Don’t let the commercial advertisements hide him or the insular love that we reserve only for our own families. Remember, the shepherds left their own flocks and went to find the baby. So, seek out the God-Man and worship Him as the Messiah, our substitute for sin.
Item Three: Tell. Share the angel’s message with someone this Christmas.
When the shepherds reached Bethlehem and found Mary and Joseph and the baby who was lying in the manger, “they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child.” This Christmas, I will tell someone that I found Jesus who was born many years ago and that they too could find him if they would hurry to “‘Bethlehem”. I will tell them what he has done for me and especially show them the love that flows through my heart from him. Join me and the angels as we testify of his birth.
Item Four: Experience the joy of knowing that everything God says is true. Worship Him.
All who heard the shepherds’ message about the birth of Jesus were amazed at what they said to them. Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.”
When we find Jesus, we experience holy wonder because everything he says is true… just as we have been told. Sweet. Then, all we can do is to praise and glorify God for all he has given us. I want to do just that this Christmas. I am doing that this Christmas. Want to join me? Let’s do it. Make my bucket list your reality too and receive a Christmas blessing.
During this year’s thanksgiving weekend, a group us church leader organized “A Night under the Stars”, a one-night camp-out on the grounds of our local church school. We also asked campers to disconnect from their mobile devices and to evaluate what is our true source of connectedness. Are we connected to God Almighty or the almighty mobile device?
You may have heard the saying that “the battle is for the mind.” That’s because one of the ways we connect with the world and with God is through our thoughts. Connecting constantly with your device influences our thoughts and moods. I’ve proven this in my spiritual walk. My thoughts do impact my spirituality.
This is fuelled in part by what are called common patterns of distorted thinking called cognitive distortions. These distorted thoughts disrupt spiritual growth and cause distress, anxiety and unhealthy feelings and lead us to misinterpret, or to over interpret the data of the world. We also can live abnormal lives or in an exaggerated (embellished) reality.
Joyce Meyer has a very catchy phrase to describe this type of negative thinking. She said that too many people have “stinkin thinkin” or negative thinking. No one is immune from “stinkin thinkin.” What we choose to think about and dwell on in this life will make or break us and determine what type of person we will end up becoming in this life.
The wise man Solomon captures this reality in Proverbs 23:7: “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.” The key word in this verse, “thinks”, tells us that God is targeting our thought process – what we think about on a daily basis. God really wants to come after our minds and get them properly cleaned up. Many sinful attitudes, fears, resentments, aversions and anxieties come from distorted thinking. While these patterns come from within, they are also ‘open doors’ for satanic influence as the devil can exploit and further twist our experience of reality. The world too is able to exploit cognitive distortions both for profit and for influence (as happens with advertising).
My blog this month considers three (out of ten) common cognitive distortions I’ve observed in my interactions with Christians, and consider some of the impacts on our spiritual lives. Next month, I will share my thoughts on how we as Christians can overcome these cognitive distortions.
- All or Nothing Thinking – There is very little “middle ground” in all or nothing thinking. You see things in black or white categories. If your effort falls short of “perfect”, you see yourself as a total failure. You are either a hero, or a total loser. Small mistakes are seen as total failure. Perhaps a person on diet slips, and has a large piece of cake, and then thinks, I am a total failure. I just gained ten pounds.
There is also the tendency in all or nothing thinking to think that affirming one thing means denying others. Say I have four valuable things in front of me – A, B, C and D. If, for example, I say, I like “A” that means I am somehow saying that B, C and D are of no value whatsoever. Of course, that may not be the case at all.
Similarly, the all or nothing thinker takes offense if your praise someone else because that means they are not praiseworthy. In reality, there are often many different outcomes and possible combinations that are both praiseworthy and acceptable. However, the all or nothing thinker, because of this cognitive distortion has a difficult time remembering and accepting this.
There are any number of issues that revolve around anxiety (e.g. performance anxiety) and fear (fear of failure), resentments and depression that set in because of this cognitive distortion. At the personal level the result is either pride, where one thinks of themselves or their performance too highly, or low self-esteem where one, seeing something less than perfect in their performance deems themselves to be a total loser.
Socially, there is often hostility to all opinions that are not 100 percent in step with what the all or nothing thinker claims is best. Such people often take offense when none is intended.
Affirming someone else’s thoughts or opinions, for example, means you’re are discarding or ridiculing the all or nothing thinker’s views and opinions. In this way, all or nothing thinking tends to make people hostile, fearful, thin-skinned and unnecessarily insistent on perfect agreement or outcomes. The distortion leads them to scorn and even ridicule people unnecessarily. Thus, the Devil can easily lock the all or nothing thinker into ever deepening degrees of negativity, anxiety and fear.
- Emotional Reasoning – A person assumes that their negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: “I feel it. Therefore, it must be true.” “I feel anxious when I fly, so airplanes are not safe.” That I am feeling bad about what happened at a church service does not mean it was a bad church service.
Feelings like these have the capacity to halt reason. We need to be very careful to remember that feelings are just feelings. While they ought not to be wholly discounted, neither should they be the deciding factor. Many of our feelings are flat out wrong, simply mistaken or grounded in deep-seated trauma or powerful past events. It’s therefore important to remember that feelings are just that – feelings.
Several years ago, I was walking with a friend when a dog broke free from its owner and came running up to us. I have a fear of dogs having been bitten three times, including our family dog o the last occasion. While I was afraid of dogs, my friend like dogs. She had grown up with them and could see that the dog was lumbering up to us to greet us rather than attack us. Both of us were looking at the same data, and both of us had different feelings. She was right, there was nothing to fear. The dog came, sniffed her hand, wagged its tail, and then looked at me. No harm.
The point is that nether set of feelings changed the reality even though hers were right and mine were wrong. Moreover, it’s not difficult to see how the Devil and the world can easily exploit our feelings to make us think things are not necessarily how they are. An important part of spiritual growth is to learn how to discern feelings, and see them as part of the picture, not the whole picture.
- Jumping to Conclusions –This cognitive distortion is manifested in two ways:
Mind reading: You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you, and don’t bother to check it out. “I just know he/she thought I was an idiot,” even though he/she acted nicely.
Fortune telling error: A person jumps to conclusions about what others are thinking and feeling about us and assume it is negative, without any evidence. “Natalie didn’t stop to say hello. She must be angry at me.” Well, perhaps, or perhaps too she was in a hurry, or maybe she didn’t even see you or know you were there. Or, Pastor B cast a negative glance at me. He must be upset; I am going to lose my position. Maybe, or perhaps as he was looking in your direction he remembered something he forgot to do, or an argument he had with his wife. Perhaps too, he is hurrying to the bathroom.
Jumping to conclusions lads to many needless and baseless fears and anxieties. Mind reading for instance, is rooted in pride because we trust too much that we have command all the facts and really know what is going on when we don’t. This is a distortion. We must cultivate a healthy type of reserve in our conclusions about what the others are thinking or about their motives. We ought to ask of God a certain kind of “blindness” that fails to notice so many things we really don’t even understand.
The fortune telling error distortion is often rooted in a form of pride called grandiosity or showiness, where we think we are always the main thing on other people’s mind, or the reason they act. I once knew a man who was very paranoid about people of a quiet disposition. Someone was always thinking badly about him. I would often remind him that people had better things to do with their time than think of him or ways to trip him up.
A key aim of spiritual growth is the renewal of our minds. In the sanctification process, the lord wants to put right thinking into our minds and private thought processes. This kind of inner transformation or sanctification can only be accomplished if we are willing to fully cooperating with the Lord by claiming the incredible, supernatural power of His Holy Spirit that is available to us.
As a starting point, learning to recognize and name the common forms of distorted thinking can be useful. Once known, we can gain the mastery over these mental hurdles and begin to experience greater freedom and authority over our thoughts. Since most feelings come from thoughts, our emotional life will also be in greater balance. This includes having authority over, and freedom from anxiety, anger, and sadness.
How can this happen?
Next month, I will share some of the biblical assurances God has provided to help us change what we choose to think about and dwell on. Stay tuned!
It’s a “Biggy”. This month, my husband and I are celebrating thirty years of marriage. While this is no small feat, and we aren’t surprised, we are thankful to be able to celebrate this milestone.
I was broken when we first met in the capital city Georgetown, a few months after a tough break-up of a long-standing, relationship. Having just started undergraduate studies at the University of Guyana (UG), I often travelled d home on weekends to be with family and to ease the sting of separation. The weekend we met, I had remained in Georgetown, to be able to sing with the Linden SASCA choir at a massive tent crusade. The encounter was brief but humorous as we exchanged smiles as he made a wise quip following my use of the word “dogmatically” in a conversation with my sister. You could say he was eavesdropping on our conversation. He would say he’d come closer to get a better look at me.
Fast forward six years later and we were about to get married. A wedding is a beautiful and breathtaking ceremony that brings people together from far and near. Among the colorful bridesmaids and the happy new couple, you will notice a pair of old smiles and sometimes, a few tears in the crowd.
Ours happened not quite as we planned: a double wedding with my younger sister, Leslyn. There we were – two happy sisters walking down the aisle to make a lifetime commitment to their betrotheds, announcing our self-crafted vows and making promises that we would try to uphold “till death do us part.” After that it was onto the reception where together with about 200 guests, we shared toasts, took pictures, and had a grand meal and cake.
In honour of our thirtieth year of marriage, I am driven to reflect on the lessons learned since that bright Sunday in July three decades ago. Probably, you the reader might find a few tips to help keep your marriage going strong as you grow older together.
- We remain grateful for our blessings
I am a blessed woman. Roderick is a gift from God to me. After three decades, we love each other more deeply. We are blessed to have each other. We’re thankful for the many experiences that add up to a life of shared joy, sacrifice, pain, and purpose. When I bid my husband good bye in the morning, I realize it didn’t have to be this way. There is no law that says I had to be married to a handsome, Christ-like, kind and forgiving man—but I am! That’s pure grace, not at all deserved, and I’m grateful.
We are also blessed parents. To be parents of a godly child is an unspeakable blessing. As Christian parents, we had the privilege of following the pattern Moses gave to the Israelites: “that you may fear the Lord your God, you and your sons and your son’s son, by keeping all of his statutes and his commandments which I command you all the days of your life, and that your days may be long, Deuteronomy 6:2.” Seeing our daughter walking faithfully with God is a testimony to His kindness, mercy and faithfulness. The love of family is a gift. I deserve none of it but I’m grateful for all of it.
Here are some words of gratitude from my most recent birthday card from Roderick: “A man like me has a lot to be thankful for. And at the top of the list is you- a woman who knows me accepts me, and whose love has made so many things right. I’ll never know what I did to deserve a life this good. But I do know what’s at the very heart of it: You. Beautiful you. Happy Birthday.”
- Our love is not enough to sustain our marriage
Over the past thirty years, we’ve developed a strong marriage bond with prayer being the single largest contributor. We started praying with and for each other during our courtship and this practice carried over into our marriage. Our daily family devotions and Friday evening vespers or what we called “welcoming the Sabbath” were the keys to spiritual growth individually, and as a couple. In fact one of the most romantic things for me is to hear my husband petition God for me – by name. By God’s grace, we’ve proven that “the family that prays together stays together.” Our love is not enough to sustain our marriage. It’s our shared faith in God that sustains our marriage.
- We Can’t Fix Each Other … so we appreciate each other’s differences
My husband Roderick and I couldn’t be more different – personality-wise and temperament-wise. He’s ‘laid back’ and somewhat carefree. I am go-getter, driven and determined to get results. In large part, my husband has let me be myself choosing to celebrate my uniqueness rather than change me. Not so for me. I can’t tell you how much time I’ve spent in that fruitless pursuit of reshaping him in my image only to realize I must allow the Holy Spirit to transform him into God’s image.
In 30 years of marriage, Roderick still has some of the same foibles he had when I first met him. That three-note (um-um um) spontaneous ditty he emits every time he opens the vehicle still bugs me but no amount of complaining on my part has changed that. I bet, he can say the same about me with my “always” and “never”. Thanks to each other’s patience, we are both better people than we were before—but not because we tried to “fix” one another. Our differences are unique attributes given by God. The Bible says we are made in God’s image (Genesis 1:26) and we are God’s workmanship (Ephesians 2:10)…designed to fulfill His special purpose which He chose for us.
- Sex isn’t important; it’s vital
Sex is a beautiful gift that a good God gave to married folk. I think of it as the adhesive that literally pastes man and woman together in “one-flesh”. Sex, though highly over-rated by many, is a necessary ingredient in any healthy marriage. Too many couples get into a withholding pattern, ignoring it for weeks or even months at a time, sometimes for good reasons and sometimes for stupid ones. This will lead to a self-made disaster. My husband likes to tease now, “Are you still limber?” ”Do you still have it like 15 years ago?” While I was busy wearing many different hats – from wife to mom to homemaker to educator – I’m glad that I always found time for sexual intimacy. After a good time, we still like to hold each other as we fall asleep, which is something we did at years ten and 20. Sex is healthy for your marriage. Just do it … with regularity, enthusiasm, and mutuality!
- Love can make you happy but happiness can’t be the goal
After 30 years of marriage, Roderick and I have experienced a wide range of emotions. We have learned that marriage, and life, are not a series of happy moments. There are many unhappy moments. So, it’s much easier now to recognize and enjoy the happy moments. Happiness, however, cannot be the goal of marriage or life. If it is, you will live much of your life thinking you’ve failed. God does not promise continual happiness. God counsels us to love each other. He promises to be with us to the very end of the age. That means he will never abandon us. He tells us that faith, hope and love will abide, with love being the greatest of the three (I Cor. 13). Understanding that is key to being able to tolerate sadness, hope for joyful moments, and recognize true happiness. So, focus on God and others, then improving your flaws, and you might land on something that resembles joy.
- There will be hard knocks but walking and working together, we’ve made it
Surprise! Marriage life is hard. I learned this first-hand. Talk about disagreements and arguments; navigating unpleasant and unlovable “in-laws”. Talk about disappointments; health scares; and financial loss. I’ve had my fair share over these past thirty years. How do you rebound and come out better on the other side?
Marriage counselors and pastors and the Bible basically say you shouldn’t “let the sun go down on your anger.” While this is good counsel, what about those exhausting late night arguments when all you do is roll over and will yourself to sleep while he exits the bedroom for the basement couch? Plus, some issues require time for clarity and resolution. They just can’t be solved overnight. We have always sought to resolve most of our conflicts, except some issues we agree to disagree on. “Happily ever after” isn’t just a fairytale; we are among those couples to prove that marriage can withstand any hurricane with the right mindset and the right character. Someone once said, “Marriage is the school from which you never graduate.” I agree. I’m now transitioning into my senior high school year and I can’t wait to enter university.
Happy Pearl Wedding Anniversary to us.
Usually when spring arrives, those of us who live in temperate climes usually look forward with anticipation to warmer and warmer weather. This year has been different. The weather in Nova Scotia, usually temperamental has been more so. Morning temps are still in the low single digits. And who ever heard about frost in mid-June? Well, here we are and weather-wise, things are very different from the norm.
As I reflect on the variability and unpredictability of the weather, I wonder about how we cope when things are different from what we expect …when the natural rhythm of life is disturbed. We all experience significant change, emotional pain, sadness or adversity in our lives. A car accident writes off the car. We lose our only source of income when the breadwinner become terminally ill and dies. A child disappoints by dropping out of school or worse turns to self-soothing aided by illegal or prescription drugs. A close friend, who appears to have it all, throws in the towel and takes his or her life.
How do we show resilience in the face of personal disappointment and disaster? What is resilience anyway?
The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines resilience as “an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change.” In plain language, it’s about how well we “bounce back” in the face of adversity, change, tragedy or stress. It’s not a trait; it’s learned behavior which can be developed.
But how do we develop resilience? Many people react to life changing situations with a flood of emotions. Often this is accompanied by a strong sense of uncertainty. Others generally adapt well over time, making healthy adjustments along the way. What enables this second group to do so? While developing resilience is a personal journey, here are a few of my personal strategies that I’ve used to enhance my resiliency. I hope they would be helpful to you.
1. Make connections. Building and maintaining caring and supportive relationships within and outside of my family is very important. These relationships must also create love and trust and offer encouragement and reassurance. I’ve noticed especially that when there is family discord, I am easily distracted and struggle to do even the most basic activities. So, spending time with loved ones to gain support and encouragement helps you know that you are not alone and there are people who care about what you are going through.
2. Accept that change is a part of living. I remember how my body kept changing over the course of my pregnancy; how during the last trimester I hated that I couldn’t touch my toes or tie my shoe laces. Rather than focus on what I couldn’t do, I tried to look forward to that beautiful bundle of joy that would soon arrive. As I write this blog, we are all aging with physical and emotional signs. Certain goals I had like having a son or completing my PhD no longer seem attainable due to adverse circumstances or a lack of opportunity. Accepting that these cannot be changed helped me focus and move toward, for example, my goal of becoming a published author.
3. View your crises as surmountable rather than insurmountable. I can’t tell you how often I have to remind myself that terribly stressful things happen but it’s how I interpret those events and react to them that matters. Last December, about four months after I bought myself a new Ford Escape, my daughter was involved in an accident which totaled the car. This happened at the same time my roof was damaged and “church” felt like a battleground. I was livid for a few hours until some friends reminded me to focus on giving gratitude to God that she was not seriously hurt. I did and I felt much better. Looking beyond my present circumstances made a huge difference in my thought pattern, my emotions, and my outlook.
4. Take decisive actions. This means acting in adverse situations rather than detaching from the problems and wishing they would just go away. Rather than lie and mope about the ‘lost’ car, I called up the body shop to arrange for an assessment and Enterprise for a rental vehicle. I also started checking out the dealerships for a replacement vehicle. This gave me something purposeful to do and moved me closer to my goal of becoming mobile again.
5. Maintain a hopeful outlook and take care of yourself. A positive outlook, something I struggle with a lot, allows me to have positive expectations that things will turn out right after all. It’s quite a battle to visualize my future wants and not worry about my immediate fears so I usually claim the promise found in Philippians 4:19 helps: “My God shall supply all my needs according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus”, King James Version. I also pay attention to my own needs and feelings; take part in activities I enjoy; exercise (walk) regularly; relax and get the right amount of sleep. I highly recommend some Breyers or Häagen-Dazs vanilla ice cream with almond nuts and a few episodes of the TV game show “Family Feud”, with Steve Harvey to help you through.
6. Stay flexible. Try something new. I think of this as taking action to deal with demands of daily living; getting back into the swing of things while taking time to rest and to get recharged. Doing this often presents wonderful opportunities to try something – a new recipe if you like to cook or bake; a foreign language or sewing class to get you out of a rut and to wake up your brain; taekwondo to learn new self- defense skills; or biking to wake up your body; take a hike and believe it or not …do something you’ve been putting off for a long time This summer, I’ve decided to visit some of the most beautiful parts of Nova Scotia like the Cabot Trail and to go whale watching on Briar Island.
7. Forgive yourself and trust God. If you feel you’ve made a mistake or you didn’t achieve a particular goal, putting additional pressure on yourself is unhelpful. Remember always that no one’s perfect. We win some and we lose some. Instead, be kind to yourself. Recall some of your other achievements and declare “well done’; get a change of scenery; or treat yourself to dinner. Trust in divine power is also critical for the believer, and anyone who chooses to do so. Life can bring hard knocks with it but as Ira Stanphill’s song says “many things about tomorrow I don’t seem to understand but I know who hold tomorrow and I know who holds my hand.”
By the way, my garden I told you about last month is all planted, but already frost has bitten some of plants. I know. It’s awful. However, that won’t and can’t stop me. I must persevere. You must too.
“Difficulties are just things to overcome, after all” – Ernest Shackleton.
“The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.” – Unknown
Spring is in the air and I am eagerly looking forward to warmer days and the rebirth of plants and animals. Farmers and gardeners are getting ready to prepare their fields and gardens. Soon they will take tiny seeds and place them into the ground so they can grow into big, productive plants.
This year, I’m going to do something that I’ve never done before in Halifax – plant a vegetable garden. Deviating from my favourite saying “go big or go home”, I’ve only reserved half a plot. Apart from starting small, this is a sensible choice for me. I don’t want to get overwhelmed with the work of pulling weeds and watering many crops. Nor do I want the additional burden of deciding what to do with the extras if there is a bumper crop of something. I just want to achieve my goal to have a successful garden.
As I think about my vegetable-gardening plan, I realize that one of the first essentials is to get the best seeds and/or seedlings of the types of plants I want to grow. If you think about it, many things in life start as seed — a relationship, a marriage, a business, a church. Nothing happens until the seed is planted or sown.
This makes me think about the parable about the mustard seed that Jesus told in the Book of Matthew. He said “the kingdom of heaven is like a grain of mustard seed which a man took and cast into His garden; and it grew and waxed a great tree; and the fowls of the air lodged in the branches of it (Matthew 13:31).” Though the mustard seed is tiny, it can produce a 15-foot tree. The size of the full-grown tree denotes the strength, power, and potential inherent in a small thing.
In Jesus’ day, many expected the Messiah to come and champion their cause – to free them from Roman bondage, to reestablish a mighty kingdom and rule as Lord and King. They never believed, the kingdom of God could get started in a small obscure way – a baby born in a manger in Bethlehem; a child growing up in the Town of Nazareth; a virtually homeless, young itinerant preacher touting a strange message about His father being God and His eternal kingdom. Jesus, however, inserted a different concept of greatness arising out of something small.
To relax on Sunday evenings, I like to look at the show “Little Big Shots” hosted by Steve Harvey and produced by Ellen DeGeneres. Little talented children cheekily exhibit all the extraordinary skills that they have. The show that aired this past Sunday featured a six-year old author who boasted about her most recent book and how she did all of the illustrations. Exuding an air full of self-assurance, she outlined her plans to become a millionaire by age nine. She was sowing her seeds and preparing to reap the fruit of her hard labour later on.
As I reflect on what the six-year-old girl said, I wondered about my own life goals and achievements. We all have the potential to do something spectacular if we believe in ourselves but no one can achieve anyone else’s personal goals. We must set our own goals and work to achieve them. Moreover, we need to believe that we can achieve those goals. Philippians 4:13 (New International Version) says “I can do all things through Christ who gives me the strength (New International Version).” What a promise from the One who created us and loves us.
Do you think you are inferior or too small to make a difference? If so, think about this African Proverb: “If you think you are too small to make a difference, you haven’t spent the night with a mosquito.” If you’ve spent a night with a mosquito you would know it’s not the size of the mosquito that determines the damage it will do, but the amount of determination it has to do the damage. With this in mind, I am ready to bite like a mosquito and to start planting. Of course, I will let you know about the harvest…later.
Most weeks, I teach the teen class in my church. I try my best to make things interesting and interactive. At times, they are chatty, ‘with it’ and engaged; at other times they are silent, distracted and disconnected giving the clear impression that they’d rather be elsewhere. These variable responses have caused me to wonder about moodiness in teenagers.
I’ve also pondered whether the challenge lies with me not being able to connect with them consistently. What if they are having difficulty connecting with adults like me?
If you have teens in your own family or in your life, how are you going to connect with them?
Here are a few tips I’ve picked up over time that could be helpful to you.
1. Make eye contact, greet them genuinely when you see them, and be pleasant to be around. Many teenagers have a strong desire to be noticed, acknowledged, and accepted. Make them feel valued.
2. Be interested in their lives but be confidential. If they trust you to share intimate details about their lives, resist the urge to share it with another adult they know or their parent(s), especially if they asked you not to do so. I know this can be challenging, especially if there could be some imminent danger but that’s your opportunity to exert some positive influence on the teen who is confiding in you.
3. Respect their privacy. Don’t tread where you are not wanted or into areas of their lives where it’s improper to do so. Many teens dislike their physical looks and can have unrealistic body expectations when they don’t measure up to some skinny magazine model. Some do not want to talk about their digital lives and habits, the apps they use and the games they play, pop culture, and politics.
4. Have clear, enforceable rules but be flexible if it’s the common-sense thing to do. The worst thing you can do is to act unreasonably. Allowing your teen an extra half an hour after curfew to finish seeing a movie doesn’t mean you’re a pushover. Lead by precept and example.
5. Be a dependable shoulder to lean on. The world is a pretty scary place for teens. You have navigated it before and could help them. Help them trust you by not making promises you know you would be difficult to keep. You’re human so, you’re not always right. Acknowledge those times.
6. Do not gossip with your teens or say negative things about someone they respect or should respect. Your score on their ‘respect meter’ will go down – way down.
7. Do not expect someone else’s teenage son or daughter to exhibit the same behaviours as yours. S/he isn’t your child, you haven’t been able to shape their childhood, and their genetic makeup is different, plain and simple.
8. Don’t be hypocritical. Be genuine. Teens like parents, teachers, religious leaders and community leaders who consistently exhibit good morals and values. They have little tolerance for adult hypocrisy, and some do learn from and mimic you. So, beware!
9. Welcome them into your home and treat your son(s)’s female friend(s) with the same dignity and respect that you would your own daughter and encourage your son(s) to do the same.
10. Raise your teenage son to be the kind of husband you would like your own daughter to have as a husband – the best. Teach them about the value of women and girls as seen through the eyes of our Creator God. In the Garden of Eden, He took a rib from the side of the man and formed woman, indicating that she was his equal and she should stand side by side with him.
