As promised last month, my November blog provides some biblical assurances God has provided to help us change what we choose to think about and dwell on.
Inner transformation and sanctification can be accomplished in this life only if we are willing to do our part by fully cooperating with the Lord and claiming the incredible supernatural power of His Holy Spirit. I want to share some verses from the Bible with you to show you that God really does want to come after our thought life and to put right and positive-type thinking into our mind.
- God transforms us by renewing our minds
Consider the following texts:
“I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” (Romans 12:1, 2).
“… that you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in righteousness and true holiness.” (Ephesians 4: 22-24).
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day.” (2 Corinthians 4:16).
All three of these verses use the words “renewing” and “renewed” in reference to our minds. Here God has given us an incredible, powerful, spiritual secret to sanctification that He wants to complete in each and every one of us. It involves mind renewal through God’s Word and by His Spirit on a daily and progressive basis.
- We are transformed by having the mind of Christ
Paul makes one of the most weighty statements in all of Scripture when he says “But we have the mind of Christ” (1 Corinthians 2:16).
We have the “mind of Christ.” Think of the implications of this promise. As a result of having direct access to Jesus through the Holy Spirit – we have His mind, or put another way, we have His mind operating within us. Jesus, through the Holy Spirit imparts His thoughts and His ways of thinking directly into our minds. Not only do we have the power of the Holy Spirit within to clean up our thoughts, we also have direct access to His mind so we can truly learn how we should think and act.
In 1 Corinthians 11:1 Paul exhorts the Corinthians to “Imitate me, just as I also imitate Christ.” We are called to “imitate Christ” – to act the way Jesus acted. If we place these two verses side by side, Jesus is telling all of us loud and clear that He wants all of us to think like He thinks and act like He acts. He wants to become our perfect role model after whom we pattern both our inner life and our outer life.
- God has given us sound minds.
In 2 Timothy 1:7, Paul declares “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind”. This text emphasizes three distinct words – power, love, and sound mind. God is telling us that not only can we get a sound mind from Him, but we can also get a mind that has a spirit of power and love in it. We just have to learn how to connect to it, believe it, and act on it.
One of the most incredible blessings that God has given us in this world is a good, clear, sound mind. If we are walking with the Lord, the Holy Spirit will move to impart this sound mind to you. If you are into memorizing Bible verses, I highly recommend that you add this one to your list.
If you look around, however, you will notice that many nonbelievers, and former Christians are not operating with very sound minds. All you have to do is spend a few minutes with those who lust after the materials and immoral things of this life and you will be able to quickly tell who is operating with a sound mind and who is not. Their lustful pursuits have caused their thinking to become distorted, warped, debased, and at times, downright unstable.
As a result of this deterioration in their minds, many have lost their marriages, the good relationships they had with their children, and some of their close friends. Some minds have literally deteriorated to the point where the individuals have taken their own lives.
No matter the challenges you may be forced to deal with, remember that we now have the mind of Jesus Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit operating through us to help keep your thinking “sound” and “powerful.” This kind of mindset from the Lord is already in you.
- Our thoughts will be established by the Lord
Since God is all-knowing (omniscient) and all-powerful (omnipotent), He is the only One who has direct access to our thoughts. Demons and other people cannot read our mind or our thoughts. Praise the Lord! However, because God can read our thoughts – we will not be able to fool God or hide anything from Him. Many people are very good at hiding everything from those close around them, but God is always one step ahead of us.
There are two Bible verses that we should note. The first is Proverbs 15:26: “The thoughts of the wicked are an abomination to the Lord, but the words of the pure are pleasant.” This Bible text is telling us that God can literally read our “thoughts”; what’s in our minds – our unspoken words. Notice also, that the Lord uses a very strong word – “abomination” – to describe the thoughts of people who are considered really wicked and evil.
How many of us remember the BTK serial killer from the state of Kansas. When he was caught, he pleaded guilty to the charges that were brought against him. He also told the court and the rest of the world the horrific details of all of his crimes, all done while he was masquerading as a deacon in a Christian church. His evil and wicked thought life, which eventually led to his horrible crime spree, is a perfect example of what God describes as an abomination in His sight.
The second verse, “Commit your works to the Lord, and your thoughts will be established” (Proverbs 16:3) gives us another special promise. It says that if we are willing to commit our works to the Lord, our “thoughts will be established.”
If we are committing our works to the Lord, we are operating in full surrender with Him; and if we are operating in a full surrender with Him, the Holy Spirit will help us to establish our thoughts.
5. We Must Bring Every Thought into Captivity to the Obedience of Jesus
I want to end this discourse with one last verse from the Bible. It shows us that God wants us to take control of our thoughts i.e., what we choose to think about. The verse is 2 Corinthians 10:3. “For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ … .”
The Bible says that we are the ones to bring every thought into “captivity” to the obedience of Jesus. This means we are directly responsible for what we choose to think about and dwell on. We can either choose to think about godly things – or we can choose to think about evil things. The choice is ours.
As such, we should let no one manipulate our minds, including hypnotists who may want to plant his suggestions into our minds. God, the Holy Spirit will help you out if you are willing to allow Him into your heart.
One of my favourite writers, E.G. White,[1] echoes the Biblical counsel we’ve been given. She says “Cut away from yourselves everything that savors of hypnotism, the science by which satanic agencies work.”—Lt 20, 1902. (Selected Messages 2:350.)
Moreover, she writes “… We do not ask you to place yourself under the control of any man’s mind. The mind cure is the most awful science which has ever been (p.717) advocated. Every wicked being can use it in carrying through his own evil designs. We have no business with any such science. We should be afraid of it. Never should the first principles of it be brought into any institution.”—Manuscript 105, 1901. (Medical Ministry, 116). “…Fearful is the power thus given to evil-minded men and women. What opportunities it affords to those who live by taking advantage of others’ weaknesses or follies! How many, through control of minds feeble or diseased, will find a means of gratifying lustful passion or greed of gain!”—The Ministry of Healing, 243 (1905).
Conclusion
The human mind is a battlefield in the area of spiritual warfare. Demons try and move in to tempt us to move into their dark ways of thinking and living – and God moves in also to move us to live according to His ways. The choice will always be ours as to which side of the fence we will choose to live on.
The next time a bad thought flashes across our minds, we decide what to do with it. We can either choose to let that bad thought slide right out of our mind or we can choose to really start thinking about and dwelling on it.
Once we start to really think about and dwell on that bad thought – we start to feed it. If we feed it, it will grow, possibly into mental stronghold or some type of addictive and compulsive behavior.
This is why the wise man Solomon said “As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.” In other words, we can become what we think about! So, let’s confront our cognitive distortions. Let’s ask God for strength to cultivate right thinking; to show us how to get our minds properly renewed through His Word and by His Spirit… and don’t forget to claim His promises.
[1] https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Mind,_Character_and_Personality/Hypnotism_and_its_Dangers
During this year’s thanksgiving weekend, a group us church leader organized “A Night under the Stars”, a one-night camp-out on the grounds of our local church school. We also asked campers to disconnect from their mobile devices and to evaluate what is our true source of connectedness. Are we connected to God Almighty or the almighty mobile device?
You may have heard the saying that “the battle is for the mind.” That’s because one of the ways we connect with the world and with God is through our thoughts. Connecting constantly with your device influences our thoughts and moods. I’ve proven this in my spiritual walk. My thoughts do impact my spirituality.
This is fuelled in part by what are called common patterns of distorted thinking called cognitive distortions. These distorted thoughts disrupt spiritual growth and cause distress, anxiety and unhealthy feelings and lead us to misinterpret, or to over interpret the data of the world. We also can live abnormal lives or in an exaggerated (embellished) reality.
Joyce Meyer has a very catchy phrase to describe this type of negative thinking. She said that too many people have “stinkin thinkin” or negative thinking. No one is immune from “stinkin thinkin.” What we choose to think about and dwell on in this life will make or break us and determine what type of person we will end up becoming in this life.
The wise man Solomon captures this reality in Proverbs 23:7: “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.” The key word in this verse, “thinks”, tells us that God is targeting our thought process – what we think about on a daily basis. God really wants to come after our minds and get them properly cleaned up. Many sinful attitudes, fears, resentments, aversions and anxieties come from distorted thinking. While these patterns come from within, they are also ‘open doors’ for satanic influence as the devil can exploit and further twist our experience of reality. The world too is able to exploit cognitive distortions both for profit and for influence (as happens with advertising).
My blog this month considers three (out of ten) common cognitive distortions I’ve observed in my interactions with Christians, and consider some of the impacts on our spiritual lives. Next month, I will share my thoughts on how we as Christians can overcome these cognitive distortions.
- All or Nothing Thinking – There is very little “middle ground” in all or nothing thinking. You see things in black or white categories. If your effort falls short of “perfect”, you see yourself as a total failure. You are either a hero, or a total loser. Small mistakes are seen as total failure. Perhaps a person on diet slips, and has a large piece of cake, and then thinks, I am a total failure. I just gained ten pounds.
There is also the tendency in all or nothing thinking to think that affirming one thing means denying others. Say I have four valuable things in front of me – A, B, C and D. If, for example, I say, I like “A” that means I am somehow saying that B, C and D are of no value whatsoever. Of course, that may not be the case at all.
Similarly, the all or nothing thinker takes offense if your praise someone else because that means they are not praiseworthy. In reality, there are often many different outcomes and possible combinations that are both praiseworthy and acceptable. However, the all or nothing thinker, because of this cognitive distortion has a difficult time remembering and accepting this.
There are any number of issues that revolve around anxiety (e.g. performance anxiety) and fear (fear of failure), resentments and depression that set in because of this cognitive distortion. At the personal level the result is either pride, where one thinks of themselves or their performance too highly, or low self-esteem where one, seeing something less than perfect in their performance deems themselves to be a total loser.
Socially, there is often hostility to all opinions that are not 100 percent in step with what the all or nothing thinker claims is best. Such people often take offense when none is intended.
Affirming someone else’s thoughts or opinions, for example, means you’re are discarding or ridiculing the all or nothing thinker’s views and opinions. In this way, all or nothing thinking tends to make people hostile, fearful, thin-skinned and unnecessarily insistent on perfect agreement or outcomes. The distortion leads them to scorn and even ridicule people unnecessarily. Thus, the Devil can easily lock the all or nothing thinker into ever deepening degrees of negativity, anxiety and fear.
- Emotional Reasoning – A person assumes that their negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: “I feel it. Therefore, it must be true.” “I feel anxious when I fly, so airplanes are not safe.” That I am feeling bad about what happened at a church service does not mean it was a bad church service.
Feelings like these have the capacity to halt reason. We need to be very careful to remember that feelings are just feelings. While they ought not to be wholly discounted, neither should they be the deciding factor. Many of our feelings are flat out wrong, simply mistaken or grounded in deep-seated trauma or powerful past events. It’s therefore important to remember that feelings are just that – feelings.
Several years ago, I was walking with a friend when a dog broke free from its owner and came running up to us. I have a fear of dogs having been bitten three times, including our family dog o the last occasion. While I was afraid of dogs, my friend like dogs. She had grown up with them and could see that the dog was lumbering up to us to greet us rather than attack us. Both of us were looking at the same data, and both of us had different feelings. She was right, there was nothing to fear. The dog came, sniffed her hand, wagged its tail, and then looked at me. No harm.
The point is that nether set of feelings changed the reality even though hers were right and mine were wrong. Moreover, it’s not difficult to see how the Devil and the world can easily exploit our feelings to make us think things are not necessarily how they are. An important part of spiritual growth is to learn how to discern feelings, and see them as part of the picture, not the whole picture.
- Jumping to Conclusions –This cognitive distortion is manifested in two ways:
Mind reading: You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you, and don’t bother to check it out. “I just know he/she thought I was an idiot,” even though he/she acted nicely.
Fortune telling error: A person jumps to conclusions about what others are thinking and feeling about us and assume it is negative, without any evidence. “Natalie didn’t stop to say hello. She must be angry at me.” Well, perhaps, or perhaps too she was in a hurry, or maybe she didn’t even see you or know you were there. Or, Pastor B cast a negative glance at me. He must be upset; I am going to lose my position. Maybe, or perhaps as he was looking in your direction he remembered something he forgot to do, or an argument he had with his wife. Perhaps too, he is hurrying to the bathroom.
Jumping to conclusions lads to many needless and baseless fears and anxieties. Mind reading for instance, is rooted in pride because we trust too much that we have command all the facts and really know what is going on when we don’t. This is a distortion. We must cultivate a healthy type of reserve in our conclusions about what the others are thinking or about their motives. We ought to ask of God a certain kind of “blindness” that fails to notice so many things we really don’t even understand.
The fortune telling error distortion is often rooted in a form of pride called grandiosity or showiness, where we think we are always the main thing on other people’s mind, or the reason they act. I once knew a man who was very paranoid about people of a quiet disposition. Someone was always thinking badly about him. I would often remind him that people had better things to do with their time than think of him or ways to trip him up.
A key aim of spiritual growth is the renewal of our minds. In the sanctification process, the lord wants to put right thinking into our minds and private thought processes. This kind of inner transformation or sanctification can only be accomplished if we are willing to fully cooperating with the Lord by claiming the incredible, supernatural power of His Holy Spirit that is available to us.
As a starting point, learning to recognize and name the common forms of distorted thinking can be useful. Once known, we can gain the mastery over these mental hurdles and begin to experience greater freedom and authority over our thoughts. Since most feelings come from thoughts, our emotional life will also be in greater balance. This includes having authority over, and freedom from anxiety, anger, and sadness.
How can this happen?
Next month, I will share some of the biblical assurances God has provided to help us change what we choose to think about and dwell on. Stay tuned!
“Hello “Are!” It’s been a while since I heard from you. Are you still there?
“Yes. But quiet.”
” Alright, I’m checking in with you because I think you are being sidelined.”
“Why do I say so?”
“Well, I’ll tell you.”
At first, I thought it was just an oversight. You weren’t included in an email or invited to a conversation in which you should have been involved. However, the evidence is mounting that you are not a part of the inner circle anymore. So, I believe it is time to address the elephant in the room or the moose in the room as Nova Scotians would say.
“Are”, you’re plural but when I search for you I can’t find you even when you should be there. Your singular brother “Is” has taken over and this bothers me. In virtually every sphere – in written or spoken conversations; on radio and television, on the Internet and across social media – “Is” is there. He’s masquerading everywhere whether he’s right or wrong; whether he’s correctly employed or not; at wrong time and in the wrong tense. He relishes your position so much that he spends every waking moment contributing to the slow demise of our English language.
A few notable instances come to mind.
Firstly, I’m convinced that most of the television media have sidelined you. Journalists and television anchors have been caught saying things like “There “Is” many things to report today”. Even CNN’s Anderson Cooper and Wolf Blitzer who once held your torch seem to have let you go for your partner “Is.” I know you should be there “Are” but alas desertion comes to mind.
Recently, I heard that many University professors, who for many years had your back, have also traded loyalties. Holders of Ph.D.’s, Master’s and Bachelor’s degrees no longer want to use you as part of their vocabulary. It seems like “Is” is reigning supreme. What’s even more egregious is that you have started to be replaced not only in speech but in written publications. Editors, once known as the gate keepers of our precious English language seem to have forgotten how to use you. It feels like the worst thing in the world and in a sense, it is.
“Are”, I must also let you know that your absence has made me experience mental distress and health issues. “Is” is so prevalent and annoying that I develop a serious earache every time he’s out of place. And that’s way too often. In my view, he’s guilty of verbal harassment and should be charged for creating an English language crisis, and given a stiff fine. My constant fear now is that prolonged sidelining will play with my emotions and imagination and make me question my sanity and grammar skills.
“Are”, are you crying?” I know this is sad but this is no time for tears. “Is” must be stopped immediately. And I have some ideas about how to do that.
Together, we must protest and call him out in every radio and television interview, in every newspaper article, in every op-ed, column, book and magazine. We must troll the Internet to point out every instance where he has wrongfully usurped your positon. And we must enter every classroom where students first get introduced to you, and every boardroom where they claim to practice inclusion and diversity and insist that you get re-instated to a place of honour around the table
“Are” I know you can still fit in and add value to our conversations. That’s why I’m appealing to every self-respecting English-speaking person who knows grammar, let’s put “Is” back in his rightful place and let’s reinstate you “Are” to your rightful place in our language. If we don’t “Are” would be gone forever and that would be a very sad thing. There must be no delay or we’ll be sorry we didn’t act sooner. The next generation must know you and your worth. We all must see to that.
It’s a “Biggy”. This month, my husband and I are celebrating thirty years of marriage. While this is no small feat, and we aren’t surprised, we are thankful to be able to celebrate this milestone.
I was broken when we first met in the capital city Georgetown, a few months after a tough break-up of a long-standing, relationship. Having just started undergraduate studies at the University of Guyana (UG), I often travelled d home on weekends to be with family and to ease the sting of separation. The weekend we met, I had remained in Georgetown, to be able to sing with the Linden SASCA choir at a massive tent crusade. The encounter was brief but humorous as we exchanged smiles as he made a wise quip following my use of the word “dogmatically” in a conversation with my sister. You could say he was eavesdropping on our conversation. He would say he’d come closer to get a better look at me.
Fast forward six years later and we were about to get married. A wedding is a beautiful and breathtaking ceremony that brings people together from far and near. Among the colorful bridesmaids and the happy new couple, you will notice a pair of old smiles and sometimes, a few tears in the crowd.
Ours happened not quite as we planned: a double wedding with my younger sister, Leslyn. There we were – two happy sisters walking down the aisle to make a lifetime commitment to their betrotheds, announcing our self-crafted vows and making promises that we would try to uphold “till death do us part.” After that it was onto the reception where together with about 200 guests, we shared toasts, took pictures, and had a grand meal and cake.
In honour of our thirtieth year of marriage, I am driven to reflect on the lessons learned since that bright Sunday in July three decades ago. Probably, you the reader might find a few tips to help keep your marriage going strong as you grow older together.
- We remain grateful for our blessings
I am a blessed woman. Roderick is a gift from God to me. After three decades, we love each other more deeply. We are blessed to have each other. We’re thankful for the many experiences that add up to a life of shared joy, sacrifice, pain, and purpose. When I bid my husband good bye in the morning, I realize it didn’t have to be this way. There is no law that says I had to be married to a handsome, Christ-like, kind and forgiving man—but I am! That’s pure grace, not at all deserved, and I’m grateful.
We are also blessed parents. To be parents of a godly child is an unspeakable blessing. As Christian parents, we had the privilege of following the pattern Moses gave to the Israelites: “that you may fear the Lord your God, you and your sons and your son’s son, by keeping all of his statutes and his commandments which I command you all the days of your life, and that your days may be long, Deuteronomy 6:2.” Seeing our daughter walking faithfully with God is a testimony to His kindness, mercy and faithfulness. The love of family is a gift. I deserve none of it but I’m grateful for all of it.
Here are some words of gratitude from my most recent birthday card from Roderick: “A man like me has a lot to be thankful for. And at the top of the list is you- a woman who knows me accepts me, and whose love has made so many things right. I’ll never know what I did to deserve a life this good. But I do know what’s at the very heart of it: You. Beautiful you. Happy Birthday.”
- Our love is not enough to sustain our marriage
Over the past thirty years, we’ve developed a strong marriage bond with prayer being the single largest contributor. We started praying with and for each other during our courtship and this practice carried over into our marriage. Our daily family devotions and Friday evening vespers or what we called “welcoming the Sabbath” were the keys to spiritual growth individually, and as a couple. In fact one of the most romantic things for me is to hear my husband petition God for me – by name. By God’s grace, we’ve proven that “the family that prays together stays together.” Our love is not enough to sustain our marriage. It’s our shared faith in God that sustains our marriage.
- We Can’t Fix Each Other … so we appreciate each other’s differences
My husband Roderick and I couldn’t be more different – personality-wise and temperament-wise. He’s ‘laid back’ and somewhat carefree. I am go-getter, driven and determined to get results. In large part, my husband has let me be myself choosing to celebrate my uniqueness rather than change me. Not so for me. I can’t tell you how much time I’ve spent in that fruitless pursuit of reshaping him in my image only to realize I must allow the Holy Spirit to transform him into God’s image.
In 30 years of marriage, Roderick still has some of the same foibles he had when I first met him. That three-note (um-um um) spontaneous ditty he emits every time he opens the vehicle still bugs me but no amount of complaining on my part has changed that. I bet, he can say the same about me with my “always” and “never”. Thanks to each other’s patience, we are both better people than we were before—but not because we tried to “fix” one another. Our differences are unique attributes given by God. The Bible says we are made in God’s image (Genesis 1:26) and we are God’s workmanship (Ephesians 2:10)…designed to fulfill His special purpose which He chose for us.
- Sex isn’t important; it’s vital
Sex is a beautiful gift that a good God gave to married folk. I think of it as the adhesive that literally pastes man and woman together in “one-flesh”. Sex, though highly over-rated by many, is a necessary ingredient in any healthy marriage. Too many couples get into a withholding pattern, ignoring it for weeks or even months at a time, sometimes for good reasons and sometimes for stupid ones. This will lead to a self-made disaster. My husband likes to tease now, “Are you still limber?” ”Do you still have it like 15 years ago?” While I was busy wearing many different hats – from wife to mom to homemaker to educator – I’m glad that I always found time for sexual intimacy. After a good time, we still like to hold each other as we fall asleep, which is something we did at years ten and 20. Sex is healthy for your marriage. Just do it … with regularity, enthusiasm, and mutuality!
- Love can make you happy but happiness can’t be the goal
After 30 years of marriage, Roderick and I have experienced a wide range of emotions. We have learned that marriage, and life, are not a series of happy moments. There are many unhappy moments. So, it’s much easier now to recognize and enjoy the happy moments. Happiness, however, cannot be the goal of marriage or life. If it is, you will live much of your life thinking you’ve failed. God does not promise continual happiness. God counsels us to love each other. He promises to be with us to the very end of the age. That means he will never abandon us. He tells us that faith, hope and love will abide, with love being the greatest of the three (I Cor. 13). Understanding that is key to being able to tolerate sadness, hope for joyful moments, and recognize true happiness. So, focus on God and others, then improving your flaws, and you might land on something that resembles joy.
- There will be hard knocks but walking and working together, we’ve made it
Surprise! Marriage life is hard. I learned this first-hand. Talk about disagreements and arguments; navigating unpleasant and unlovable “in-laws”. Talk about disappointments; health scares; and financial loss. I’ve had my fair share over these past thirty years. How do you rebound and come out better on the other side?
Marriage counselors and pastors and the Bible basically say you shouldn’t “let the sun go down on your anger.” While this is good counsel, what about those exhausting late night arguments when all you do is roll over and will yourself to sleep while he exits the bedroom for the basement couch? Plus, some issues require time for clarity and resolution. They just can’t be solved overnight. We have always sought to resolve most of our conflicts, except some issues we agree to disagree on. “Happily ever after” isn’t just a fairytale; we are among those couples to prove that marriage can withstand any hurricane with the right mindset and the right character. Someone once said, “Marriage is the school from which you never graduate.” I agree. I’m now transitioning into my senior high school year and I can’t wait to enter university.
Happy Pearl Wedding Anniversary to us.
Usually when spring arrives, those of us who live in temperate climes usually look forward with anticipation to warmer and warmer weather. This year has been different. The weather in Nova Scotia, usually temperamental has been more so. Morning temps are still in the low single digits. And who ever heard about frost in mid-June? Well, here we are and weather-wise, things are very different from the norm.
As I reflect on the variability and unpredictability of the weather, I wonder about how we cope when things are different from what we expect …when the natural rhythm of life is disturbed. We all experience significant change, emotional pain, sadness or adversity in our lives. A car accident writes off the car. We lose our only source of income when the breadwinner become terminally ill and dies. A child disappoints by dropping out of school or worse turns to self-soothing aided by illegal or prescription drugs. A close friend, who appears to have it all, throws in the towel and takes his or her life.
How do we show resilience in the face of personal disappointment and disaster? What is resilience anyway?
The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines resilience as “an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change.” In plain language, it’s about how well we “bounce back” in the face of adversity, change, tragedy or stress. It’s not a trait; it’s learned behavior which can be developed.
But how do we develop resilience? Many people react to life changing situations with a flood of emotions. Often this is accompanied by a strong sense of uncertainty. Others generally adapt well over time, making healthy adjustments along the way. What enables this second group to do so? While developing resilience is a personal journey, here are a few of my personal strategies that I’ve used to enhance my resiliency. I hope they would be helpful to you.
1. Make connections. Building and maintaining caring and supportive relationships within and outside of my family is very important. These relationships must also create love and trust and offer encouragement and reassurance. I’ve noticed especially that when there is family discord, I am easily distracted and struggle to do even the most basic activities. So, spending time with loved ones to gain support and encouragement helps you know that you are not alone and there are people who care about what you are going through.
2. Accept that change is a part of living. I remember how my body kept changing over the course of my pregnancy; how during the last trimester I hated that I couldn’t touch my toes or tie my shoe laces. Rather than focus on what I couldn’t do, I tried to look forward to that beautiful bundle of joy that would soon arrive. As I write this blog, we are all aging with physical and emotional signs. Certain goals I had like having a son or completing my PhD no longer seem attainable due to adverse circumstances or a lack of opportunity. Accepting that these cannot be changed helped me focus and move toward, for example, my goal of becoming a published author.
3. View your crises as surmountable rather than insurmountable. I can’t tell you how often I have to remind myself that terribly stressful things happen but it’s how I interpret those events and react to them that matters. Last December, about four months after I bought myself a new Ford Escape, my daughter was involved in an accident which totaled the car. This happened at the same time my roof was damaged and “church” felt like a battleground. I was livid for a few hours until some friends reminded me to focus on giving gratitude to God that she was not seriously hurt. I did and I felt much better. Looking beyond my present circumstances made a huge difference in my thought pattern, my emotions, and my outlook.
4. Take decisive actions. This means acting in adverse situations rather than detaching from the problems and wishing they would just go away. Rather than lie and mope about the ‘lost’ car, I called up the body shop to arrange for an assessment and Enterprise for a rental vehicle. I also started checking out the dealerships for a replacement vehicle. This gave me something purposeful to do and moved me closer to my goal of becoming mobile again.
5. Maintain a hopeful outlook and take care of yourself. A positive outlook, something I struggle with a lot, allows me to have positive expectations that things will turn out right after all. It’s quite a battle to visualize my future wants and not worry about my immediate fears so I usually claim the promise found in Philippians 4:19 helps: “My God shall supply all my needs according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus”, King James Version. I also pay attention to my own needs and feelings; take part in activities I enjoy; exercise (walk) regularly; relax and get the right amount of sleep. I highly recommend some Breyers or Häagen-Dazs vanilla ice cream with almond nuts and a few episodes of the TV game show “Family Feud”, with Steve Harvey to help you through.
6. Stay flexible. Try something new. I think of this as taking action to deal with demands of daily living; getting back into the swing of things while taking time to rest and to get recharged. Doing this often presents wonderful opportunities to try something – a new recipe if you like to cook or bake; a foreign language or sewing class to get you out of a rut and to wake up your brain; taekwondo to learn new self- defense skills; or biking to wake up your body; take a hike and believe it or not …do something you’ve been putting off for a long time This summer, I’ve decided to visit some of the most beautiful parts of Nova Scotia like the Cabot Trail and to go whale watching on Briar Island.
7. Forgive yourself and trust God. If you feel you’ve made a mistake or you didn’t achieve a particular goal, putting additional pressure on yourself is unhelpful. Remember always that no one’s perfect. We win some and we lose some. Instead, be kind to yourself. Recall some of your other achievements and declare “well done’; get a change of scenery; or treat yourself to dinner. Trust in divine power is also critical for the believer, and anyone who chooses to do so. Life can bring hard knocks with it but as Ira Stanphill’s song says “many things about tomorrow I don’t seem to understand but I know who hold tomorrow and I know who holds my hand.”
By the way, my garden I told you about last month is all planted, but already frost has bitten some of plants. I know. It’s awful. However, that won’t and can’t stop me. I must persevere. You must too.
“Difficulties are just things to overcome, after all” – Ernest Shackleton.
“The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.” – Unknown
Spring is in the air and I am eagerly looking forward to warmer days and the rebirth of plants and animals. Farmers and gardeners are getting ready to prepare their fields and gardens. Soon they will take tiny seeds and place them into the ground so they can grow into big, productive plants.
This year, I’m going to do something that I’ve never done before in Halifax – plant a vegetable garden. Deviating from my favourite saying “go big or go home”, I’ve only reserved half a plot. Apart from starting small, this is a sensible choice for me. I don’t want to get overwhelmed with the work of pulling weeds and watering many crops. Nor do I want the additional burden of deciding what to do with the extras if there is a bumper crop of something. I just want to achieve my goal to have a successful garden.
As I think about my vegetable-gardening plan, I realize that one of the first essentials is to get the best seeds and/or seedlings of the types of plants I want to grow. If you think about it, many things in life start as seed — a relationship, a marriage, a business, a church. Nothing happens until the seed is planted or sown.
This makes me think about the parable about the mustard seed that Jesus told in the Book of Matthew. He said “the kingdom of heaven is like a grain of mustard seed which a man took and cast into His garden; and it grew and waxed a great tree; and the fowls of the air lodged in the branches of it (Matthew 13:31).” Though the mustard seed is tiny, it can produce a 15-foot tree. The size of the full-grown tree denotes the strength, power, and potential inherent in a small thing.
In Jesus’ day, many expected the Messiah to come and champion their cause – to free them from Roman bondage, to reestablish a mighty kingdom and rule as Lord and King. They never believed, the kingdom of God could get started in a small obscure way – a baby born in a manger in Bethlehem; a child growing up in the Town of Nazareth; a virtually homeless, young itinerant preacher touting a strange message about His father being God and His eternal kingdom. Jesus, however, inserted a different concept of greatness arising out of something small.
To relax on Sunday evenings, I like to look at the show “Little Big Shots” hosted by Steve Harvey and produced by Ellen DeGeneres. Little talented children cheekily exhibit all the extraordinary skills that they have. The show that aired this past Sunday featured a six-year old author who boasted about her most recent book and how she did all of the illustrations. Exuding an air full of self-assurance, she outlined her plans to become a millionaire by age nine. She was sowing her seeds and preparing to reap the fruit of her hard labour later on.
As I reflect on what the six-year-old girl said, I wondered about my own life goals and achievements. We all have the potential to do something spectacular if we believe in ourselves but no one can achieve anyone else’s personal goals. We must set our own goals and work to achieve them. Moreover, we need to believe that we can achieve those goals. Philippians 4:13 (New International Version) says “I can do all things through Christ who gives me the strength (New International Version).” What a promise from the One who created us and loves us.
Do you think you are inferior or too small to make a difference? If so, think about this African Proverb: “If you think you are too small to make a difference, you haven’t spent the night with a mosquito.” If you’ve spent a night with a mosquito you would know it’s not the size of the mosquito that determines the damage it will do, but the amount of determination it has to do the damage. With this in mind, I am ready to bite like a mosquito and to start planting. Of course, I will let you know about the harvest…later.
Most weeks, I teach the teen class in my church. I try my best to make things interesting and interactive. At times, they are chatty, ‘with it’ and engaged; at other times they are silent, distracted and disconnected giving the clear impression that they’d rather be elsewhere. These variable responses have caused me to wonder about moodiness in teenagers.
I’ve also pondered whether the challenge lies with me not being able to connect with them consistently. What if they are having difficulty connecting with adults like me?
If you have teens in your own family or in your life, how are you going to connect with them?
Here are a few tips I’ve picked up over time that could be helpful to you.
1. Make eye contact, greet them genuinely when you see them, and be pleasant to be around. Many teenagers have a strong desire to be noticed, acknowledged, and accepted. Make them feel valued.
2. Be interested in their lives but be confidential. If they trust you to share intimate details about their lives, resist the urge to share it with another adult they know or their parent(s), especially if they asked you not to do so. I know this can be challenging, especially if there could be some imminent danger but that’s your opportunity to exert some positive influence on the teen who is confiding in you.
3. Respect their privacy. Don’t tread where you are not wanted or into areas of their lives where it’s improper to do so. Many teens dislike their physical looks and can have unrealistic body expectations when they don’t measure up to some skinny magazine model. Some do not want to talk about their digital lives and habits, the apps they use and the games they play, pop culture, and politics.
4. Have clear, enforceable rules but be flexible if it’s the common-sense thing to do. The worst thing you can do is to act unreasonably. Allowing your teen an extra half an hour after curfew to finish seeing a movie doesn’t mean you’re a pushover. Lead by precept and example.
5. Be a dependable shoulder to lean on. The world is a pretty scary place for teens. You have navigated it before and could help them. Help them trust you by not making promises you know you would be difficult to keep. You’re human so, you’re not always right. Acknowledge those times.
6. Do not gossip with your teens or say negative things about someone they respect or should respect. Your score on their ‘respect meter’ will go down – way down.
7. Do not expect someone else’s teenage son or daughter to exhibit the same behaviours as yours. S/he isn’t your child, you haven’t been able to shape their childhood, and their genetic makeup is different, plain and simple.
8. Don’t be hypocritical. Be genuine. Teens like parents, teachers, religious leaders and community leaders who consistently exhibit good morals and values. They have little tolerance for adult hypocrisy, and some do learn from and mimic you. So, beware!
9. Welcome them into your home and treat your son(s)’s female friend(s) with the same dignity and respect that you would your own daughter and encourage your son(s) to do the same.
10. Raise your teenage son to be the kind of husband you would like your own daughter to have as a husband – the best. Teach them about the value of women and girls as seen through the eyes of our Creator God. In the Garden of Eden, He took a rib from the side of the man and formed woman, indicating that she was his equal and she should stand side by side with him.
This month, after about four years, we say “good bye” to our pastor and his spouse. Like so many experiences in our lives, we sometimes take saying “goodbye” for granted. A loved one moves away or passes. We are gutsy and brave as we suppress the pain of the loss. Years later, we realize we still haven’t overcome the brokenness. We wish we’d taken the time to say goodbye properly. So, I want to encourage every parishioner to say goodbye. Do it in your own style – au revoir, adieu, hasta la vista, ciao – but do it.
Now, let’s take a closer look at the origins of the word, “goodbye”? Over 500 years ago, goodbye was an Old English word that was rendered “Godbwye”, a contraction of the saying “God be with ye.”[1] As I think more deeply about my church, I realize that goodbye also means transition or changeover. My congregation will be saying goodbye to the departing minister and eventually “hello” to another, if a replacement is not sent immediately.
Transitions or changeovers can be challenging. Just think about the feelings of those who seized Jesus and put Him to death. No doubt, some of them were exuberant; they had finally gotten rid of (or so they thought) the challenging, itinerant, relatively inexperienced thirty-three-year-old preacher (remember Jesus only had three and a half years of preaching experience) who caused them so much trouble.
Now contrast this with how the disciples must have felt during the time of Jesus’ arrest, trial, death and burial. Despite all of His previous warnings and disclosures, there were still feelings of hurt, abandonment and despair among them. Still, others might have felt betrayed either by the Roman system or the God-Man, Himself. After all, many of His followers really thought He would free them from Roman bondage.
While hope and joy returned briefly after His resurrection, they were dashed again within forty days at His ascension to heaven. Walking away from the Mount of Olives, I could hear James say to his brother John, “That was some ride He took us on.” Surreal! Their leader had disappeared into the clouds leaving them dejected.
The book of Acts gives us a glimpse into the Ephesian elders’ goodbye to the apostle Paul. “…there was much weeping on the part of all; they embraced Paul and kissed him being sorrowful most of all because of the word he had spoken, that they would not see his face again. And they accompanied him to the ship”, Acts 20:37-38, English Standard Version (ESV).
It’s not unreasonable to think that our congregational responses will be similar to those exhibited in Jesus’ and Paul’s day. We are human of course, and not all that different. In track and field, athletes in a relay need to know the hazards to the successful exchange of a relay baton through a changeover zone. Similarly, I want to share with my fellow congregants some of the major challenges we will face in the near term during our pastoral transition. I also want to assure us all that it is only by God’s grace alone, that we will come through this sifting time spiritually intact.
Firstly, we must accept that the transition may last for a while. My experiences with two similar situations tell me that a two-year period is not unreasonable. As some hurry to get back to “normal”, others will be clinging to the past. Balancing these two legitimate responses will take time.
Matters of the heart involving broken relationships usually require time for healing. This is why several months or even years after the break-up or breakdown of many personal relationships – marriage, friendship, parental, sibling – you still wake up and sometimes want to seek revenge for previous hurts. Your transition may not yet be over.
God has promised, however, to be with us when we walk through the “valley of the shadow of death”, Psalm 23: 4, English Standard Version (ESV) and He is “able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us…” (Ephesians 3:20, ESV) He’s in control.
The second challenge relates to the internal state of the congregation. I wish I could paint a rosy picture here. What I have to say is far from rosy. Expect people to talk about the departing minister for quite some time – affirmatively and negatively. The ‘blame game’ will continue for some time but it will end.
Additionally, there will be complaints and stiff resistance to any and all change, especially change that is perceived to be coming from “the troublemakers” or that which “couldn’t happen if Pastor were here.” So, it would be wise to limit change, especially the big ones as it will be difficult to get ‘buy in. That being said, we must avoid a never- ending stalemate or God’s work will be adversely affected. We must keep moving forward treading as carefully as we can because time is running out. Jesus is coming, soon (Revelation 22:12, ESV).
Thirdly, expect to see a falling away of members, either from the church altogether, or to seek fellowship in another congregation. This is probably the most devastating and consequential outcome. In Christ’s day, some thought His teachings were hard and unpalatable. So many turned back and no longer followed him. To stay or go is everyone’s choice. However, Jesus says “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God” Luke 9:62, ESV). So, if you have started with the work of God, resolve to go on. Make a firm commitment to keep God first in your life; spend time with God each day through prayer and Bible study, and stay active in the work of God. “Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling”, Philippians 2:12 ESV.
Fourth, expect to see ongoing hostility from some coupled with selfishness and empty conceit. These works of the flesh are often expressed by building up oneself and tearing down someone else, and usually they lead to disorder and evil practices. The Bible commands us to “do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you not only look to his own interests, but also to the interests of others”, Philippians 2:3-4, ESV. We all must question our own motives and allow God’s Holy Spirit to guide us.
The fifth challenge is about healing. This is probably one of the most critical steps of our transition because it must first start with the leaders. At our church this will be a big test. During the last supper when Jesus washed His disciples’ feet, he demonstrated the servant-leader principle (John13: 3 -10, ESV). We too must “wash one another’s feet”, literally as we have an opportunity to do so, and figuratively as well.
Later, as the disciples gathered in the upper room, they prayed together and resolved their differences. In like manner, we too must take time to talk to and with each; to understand each other, again. Some conflicts will call for a loving discussion and some need to be overlooked. However we respond to conflict, we need to be willing to forgive others just as God forgave us. Ephesians 4:31-32 says: “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. This must be our goal.
Finally, as we prepare to say “hello” to our new minister, our final challenge will be to let God lead the process. We must also resist the urge to set expectations that no human can fulfill. Take a look throughout the Bible and you will see the character flaws of some of the greatest leaders in the past.
For a reality check, here are a few from the Old Testament.
Noah drank liquor and sinned.
Joseph was a bigoted dreamer who served jail time.
Moses was a murderer. It took 40 years to clean him up.
David was an adulterer who hired a hit man to murder his loyal soldier.
Wise Solomon had a harem with 700 wives and 300 concubines.
Hosea was a weird prophet whose mental stability could at best be questioned. His wife would never qualify for the title” Pastor’s Wife” today.
These failings continue into the New Testament.
Mathew was a thieving tax collector and like Luke, he exposed all the dirty secrets in Christ’s lineage. Did he really have to talk about Judah, Rahab and Manasseh?
Peter was a bad tempered disciple in Christ’s inner circle. We would never elect that foul-mouthed hypocrite to office, much less let him preach and do miracles.
Paul, he was just extra. He preached all night into daybreak pausing only to resurrect a sleeping, tired listener who had fallen three floors to his death.
You get the point. God uses flawed human beings to do His work. The good news is that he also equips them to accomplish His purposes. I believe if, with God’s help, we successfully master these challenges, we would truly have said “goodbye” to the last guy and be ready to “hello” to the “new one”.
Let the transition and changeover begin.
[1] https://www.etymonline.com/word/good-bye
Valentine’s Day is celebrated every year on February 14. Many people either love the day or hate it. I actually have a love-hate relationship with the day. I don’t mind the red but I hate the pink and the ubiquitous little sugary-tasting, heart-shaped candy. Many break the bank to buy jewellery and flowers for their loved ones, and there’s a whirlpool of passion, if only for a single day. Everything seems contrived: mass dining, gossiping and giggling, and a whole lot of lovey-dovey fluff. Even couples choosing to ‘break up’ for maximum negative impact.
Over the past few years, I’ve revised my thinking about Valentine’s Day. With so much hatred, sorrow and disappointment and in the world, I’ve chosen to embrace the ‘good’ about it; to show love. I’ve also attributed more meaningful sentiments to the colours symbolizing the day: red for the blood that flowed so freely on Calvary for me, you and the whole world; and white for the purity of character. This year, I’m trying my hand at a bit of poetry. I’ve written an ode to the day of love. Hope it brings meaning to you on that day, and always.
A Valentine’s Day Ode (‘Kinda’)
Love is a divine principle, forever in the heart of a Creator for his creatures
Love is an expression of gratitude – to him, to her, to them
Love is surrender, a breaking heart for a beloved’s misfortune
Love is friendship, beautiful and secure.
What is the path to love?
Second chances; overlooking myriad faults
Winding, meandering through bitterness, tears and sorrow
Slaying your ego, that small, puffed up part of you
Stepping into the fear that wants to freeze your heart and close your mind.
Silencing the inner critic so you can respond to the instinctual voice that’s also speaking to you
Being able to give and receive love.
What is the look of love?
A pair of wide outstretched hands welcoming you into a warm embrace
Longing eyes meeting even if for a brief wink across a crowded room
Gut wrenching laughter; wry smiles; families dining and bonding
Attentive silence when you are pensive, solemn, alone
Romantic celebrations, imprisonment, and even martyrdom
Words of trust, and caring that tell you to be careful
Your beloved at the window waving a sweet goodbye.
A whisper in the still of the night and the awe that befalls a magnificent sight
The cries of rapture from the delivery room amidst the beating of a newborn’s heart
A cross on a hill, a Savior and resurrection day.
What does love feel like?
A warm touch; a reassuring tap on the shoulder in the morning
Spasms of pain from a broken heart; two hands intertwined,
A hug that makes you want to suspend time except for you two
The joy of cleaning up watery puke because you know that person would do the same for you without question
The warmth of wanting each other when times are good and a craving for each other’s presence when they are really bad
Hope. A nervous heartbeat
A quiet acceptance that they’ll always be there.
What is the taste of love?
The pleasure of soft, wet kisses on the lips; have one, then two, never get enough
The thrill of thick, chocolate covered hazelnuts and strawberries melting on the tip of your tongue
The saltiness of tears streaming down the face which bring out the flavour of you
Spicy, adventurous, and passionate caresses; nervousness that makes your stomach heave in the most pleasant way
Sometimes it’s a little bitterness too – a lesson harshly learned; a stake of betrayal driven through the heart and mind.
Like you.
What’s the smell of love?
The unique smell of a worn shirt – no deodorant, no perfumes, no fragranced detergents
The menthol of pain rubs being massaged into sore, tired limbs after a strenuous workout in the gym
The smell of perfume, a nice fragrance – lavender incense
Sweaty feet; breast or formula milk
Lube. Grease.
What is the goal of love?
To mimic God
To experience him; to know him; to feel him; to talk with him
To believe in Him; to believe His word
To put others first; to care; to share and to give to others
The lame; the poor, the blind, the naked; the undeserving and unlovable
Caring about another person’s “highest good.”
Happiness.
Procreation.
Edification.
Eternal life.
What will you do with love?
Experience it. Know it.
Feel it. Devour it.
Send cards, flowers and valuable gifts.
Let it consume you.
Love – even if it’s only for a brief moment.
Every February 14.
There are several dictionary definitions for the word “reach”. However, these two resonate with me: “to strain after something; or to succeed in achieving something” https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/reach.
When my daughter was a toddler, my husband and I bought her a container of large-sized blocks. She adored the gift of mostly primary-coloured plastic blocks: red, yellow, blue. There were also a few green ones. Our intentions were to teach her about colours, to count, and especially to allow her to be creative. Sure enough, she did all of the things we anticipated. What we didn’t countenance or make allowance for were some of the things her young developing mind would also inspire her to do with our gift.
You see, in a relatively short space of time, she found a purpose not only for the blocks inside the container but for the container itself. She masterfully converted it from a storage receptacle for the blocks to a “step stool” that allowed her to reach out and grab anything she wanted that was out of her reach – a cup that most times was filled with liquids; a book from its stack; fruits, cookies and other food items; and even soil from my potted indoor plants.
Oftentimes, we wondered how several items that were supposedly out of her reach were on the floor or otherwise out of place. Then one day, we saw her process, first-hand. Wanting to reach up to the kitchen sink faucet, she carefully maneuvered her “step stool” into position. Then she mounted it, carefully balancing herself, as she tiptoed and with determination strained and turned on the faucet. I still remember the intense look on her face as she playfully splashed the water through her fingers, creating a soggy mess on the countertop and kitchen floor. Although, she had reached up and achieved her goal, I rushed to stop her folly before serious property damage could result.
As I reflect on this incident, I think about the many powerful men who have been dethroned due to the recent wave of sexual harassment allegations that were brought against them. In a sense, they had carefully positioned their “step stools” and accomplished their goals only to leave a big, soggy mess behind. My heart also goes out to the children – young boys and girls – in the homes of “the fallen”, or those vacated by them. Who will teach them about appropriate expressions of masculinity, and how to speak up in a timely manner? Who will help them cope at school and college with the negative fallout from the inappropriate behavior of their dads, brothers, and uncles? Who will help them maintain the same sense of value for their dads as they have for their moms? Perhaps, more importantly, who will help them develop respect for self, for others, and for humanity as a whole?
As a society, we must all reach out and take on the challenge of making a difference for the next generation of boys and girls. Action is required from perpetrators – they must recognize that time’s up; and victims alike – it’s time to speak up. Action is also required from the mothers of the children who have been directly affected. Right now, you all are hurting from the betrayal of your own mates. So take a pause to reflect and to acknowledge your own feelings. Then, reach out to your children, both boys and girls.
No doubt, the embarrassing and shameful news has reached the ears of those old enough to receive and process it. They too are hurting. Have candid, age-appropriate talks with them. Remember, teenage boys especially. They are notoriously difficult to reach; at least that is what a bunch of teachers say. Avoid selfish decisions. Take appropriate action not only for the short-term but for the long-term as well. We all need to create a better world for our sons and daughters to grow up in. I encourage you to take your “step stool” and position it. Then reach out to achieve what matters, and enjoy the “splash” you make.
