During this COVID-19 pandemic, almost every conversation I have with someone who does not live in my home kicks off with a brief but polite consideration of sickness and mortality. “Hi!” I say. “Hi Maggie!” the other person says back. “How are you?” I ask next, out of habit.

How are we? People are sick and dying in frightening numbers all around us. I hope that we are all thankful not to be sick or dying, but any of us could be soon. Are we really going to mask these grim truths with the usual pleasantry “I’m good, you?”

The coronavirus pandemic has laid bare the extent to which “How are you?” is not an honest inquiry in search of an honest answer, or any clear intention to understand what’s going on in someone else’s life and to care. Now more than ever, it is important for us to ask a different question – one of genuine concern and interest for our friends and loved ones who are ‘falling off the wagon’; or acting cruel for no obvious reason; or being sad because life hurts to the core.

The question I suggest you ask is ‘Are you okay?’ or ‘Are you all right?’ It’s a better one.

The Bible, in 2 Kings 4:18-37, has a story that speaks to the importance of asking this question. In this passage of scripture, we meet a godly and well-off Shunammite woman who was childless for many years. Through her kindness to Elisha, the prophet, and his response to her kindness, God gave her a son. The child grew up and one morning while in the field with his dad, he fell ill and died by noon that day.

In her grief, the woman saddled a donkey, and with her servant, rode to Mount Carmel to find Elisha. When Elisha saw her coming in the distance, he said to his servant Gehazi, “Look! There’s the Shunammite! Run to meet her and ask her, ‘Are you all right? Is your husband all right? Is your child all right?” (2 Kings 4:26) New International Version).

Like so many of us, the woman told Gehazi “Everything is all right”. It was not until she met Elisha himself, that she fell at his feet to unburden herself and tell him about her son’s death. After all, he was instrumental in her having this son. He must care, and he did. Elisha returned with her to her home and because of her faith and persistence, she got the help she needed. God, through Elisha, performed a miracle and resurrected her son. All of this happened because Elisha asked ‘Are you alright? Are you okay?’

How many times have you pretended to be okay when you are crumbling inside? How many times have you poured out your heart to someone only to realize that the person simply wanted a ‘How are you?’ answer? How many times have you been offended when someone asked ‘Are you okay?’

Here are a few tips to help you handle this question in a way that works for you.

1) Figure out the questioner’s intention.

Who is asking? Is the person to whom you are close? Someone you believe truly cares about you or a casual acquaintance that seems to be asking the question as automatically as one offers “bless you” after a sneeze. If you are unsure this person can be trusted with your intimate secrets and/or you just feel uneasy or awkward, ask yourself, “Do I wish to discuss my situation or my emotions with this person?”

If the answer is ‘no’, do not feel obliged to offer more than a casual response. You can simply say, “I’m hanging in there. Thanks for asking. How are you doing?”

If the person persists, you can say “Thanks for your concern but I’d really appreciate it if you respect my privacy. Have a nice day!”

If the questioner is someone you know is truly concerned about your welfare, and he or she is someone you trust and want to talk to, you can be more open. You can say, “Actually, life’s  been a really hard. Would you be available  to chat about it with me?”

2) Assess how answering the question will affect you.

For some people, talking about their inner turmoil, even with a trusted person, is painful for a variety of reasons. You can reopen wounds, prolong anger and grief, or be disgusted at yourself afterward for sharing your deepest feelings and thoughts. Some feel as if they start talking, it will be hard to stop.

As you consider your feelings, know that most people who are asking about your wellbeing are likely doing so out of concern – likely family, close friends, mental health practitioners, and pastor. Remember, these people are often your main support system and the best solution is to find the right balance about who, what, and how much you want to disclose.

3. Set Boundaries.

Sometime you confide in someone about a problem or challenge once, and the person thinks it is okay to make enquiries constantly. Here is where you have to set boundaries. You can say in a kind but firm way “Thanks for asking again. However, I do not want every conversation or encounter we have to involve a discussion about my struggle. It is nice to know that if there was something I needed or wanted you would be there.”

Go on and ask ‘Are you okay?’

We live in extraordinary times. Offering a hug or a handshake is no longer a polite way to greet someone. Keeping your distance from a friend you see at the grocery store, and crossing the street when you encounter another person on the sidewalk are now among the most considerate things you can do. These are good practices, but as brothers and sisters in Christ, we need to go further. We need to be our brothers and sisters’ keepers.

So, when you start your conversations, do not be afraid to ask ‘Are you okay?’ Perhaps, this is one of the kindest gestures you can extend to others in a time like this to make clear that they do not have to pretend they are fine.  If someone asks if you are okay, please stop saying you are fine when you are not. Look for the right person, not a Gehazi but your Elisha, and seek the help God has already provided for you.

Go on. Ask someone today ‘Are okay?’, and by God’s grace, please be okay when you say ‘yes’.